Loving this song

This is the perfect song for my life right now. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend filled with Joy!

                                                        Video courtesy of youtube.com




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Just a few little updates

The kids books and supplies arrived yesterday :) All 14 boxes! It was like Christmas in July. Paige (who will be 6 in Sept) pulled out her math book and yelled "Ohhhh a math book! I will TOTALLY use this!" Always entertaining is the language of the younger siblings LOL

On the Bradley front, while registering him for Special needs Kindergarten we found out his special needs pre school teacher from last year retired. The majority of her choice was based on him, since she felt like she just didn't have it in her anymore and couldn't handle another year with a child like Bradley. Makes your heart feel good. ( eye rolly here) While I get it to a point, the woman was a teacher for 25 years. He couldn't have possibly been her worse student, could he?

But then again bringing us to today, his speech therapist had to go outside and take a break from him for a few minutes. That I TOTALLY get. I do it myself several times a day. I could tell she was about to cry and told her to take all the time she needed, or even if she wanted to stop for the day that was fine too. She came back in, gave it 2 more min and then gave up. She is a great therapist, I feel bad for her :(

But school will be starting on the 3rd for the girls, so we will be back to a good schedule, and Bradley will start the 15th, which will give all of us a nice break and the ability to get stuff done :) I just pray he has a good year. He needs some success, to be able to make some friends, to learn that he is a good boy, and deserves to have a wonderful life.




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Cutting out negativity from my life....

Photo from Cafepress.com

I have slowly come to realize that "all that glitters is not gold". And in regular language LOL , I have become to realize things that I thought were wonderful, may actually be kinda toxic to my family.

People are people, and we are all imperfect. But when other peoples "issues" affect my family, then it is time to take a good hard look at why I have these people in my life.

Life is very short. Far too short to have people wrap themselves in a cloak of religion and use that to put you down and make you question your worth.

I find it sad that people can pick up the phone and ring mine off the hook when they need something. Yet when my world is falling apart and maybe a visit, a phone call, or even an email from someone would make me feel a little less alone, they cant seem to remember me. Even when I reach out in an email, people cant take 5 seconds from their lives to say "I'm thinking of you" and hit send.

I have seen to many people struggle lately with various things, and not one person reach out to them. I have seen people hurting, and going hungry, and deal with illness. ALONE. It used to not be like this in my world. I don't know exactly what changed (or maybe I do) but regardless it is heartbreaking. We are taught to love one another. I have seen less and less examples of this lately.

I love my Faith. I do not question my beliefs. But right now I do question where and who I choose to meet and share those beliefs with. I believe that my children should go into a building on Sunday to learn about Heavenly Father, and Jesus, and how we are children of God, and that he loves us.

I do not believe they should go to be judged on what they are wearing, how long or what style their hair is, or if they have 2 small holes in their ears. These things should also not be used against them to question their Faith.  Sadly I have seen this a lot recently. I have seen amazing kids be hurt and fall away all because someone thought they were so perfect, so righteous that they could sit in judgment of another. I would like to ask those to look around their own house and see maybe what is going on there that they should be worrying about...........

So at the request of my husband and some of my children, we will be staying home on Sundays. I thought this would make me sad. I actually feel relieved. I don't have the energy anymore to put on a fake smile and act like everything is okay, so other people wont feel uncomfortable. I will happily teach my children the lessons since I can get them online, and we will sit and learn of the Savior and the love he has for us, without dealing with the nonsense of others.



~Kelly

Meeting Update and an actual fun day!

The meeting went well. We will be starting with a behavior therapist and doing play therapy. I asked if we could take their positive parenting class. She asked me if I was kidding. I sat there not knowing what to say until she said "You are the most positive parent I have seen all year" I had to laugh since I really don't feel like it, but I will take it as a nice compliment. I still wanna take the class though LOL ( I have wondered since then how "un positive the other parents are she see's)

To eleviate some stress from myself this year we decided to enroll the other 5 kids into a virtual school. They will still be at home, but I will not have to make lesson plans and everything else that comes with homeschooling. Plus they send us all the curriculum, AND sent us a computer and printer for each kid!

So Dh set them up Friday night on a long table. When he was done he looked at me and said "How about we ditch the school idea and just start a telemarketing business for the kids?" That made me laugh.(I haven't laughed in a long time)  What makes it worse is each kid also has a headset with a microphone LOL  !

Also Friday night we got to go to a meet and greet for the virtual school at our local skating rink. It was free, which who the heck doesn't like free! LOL A (brave) dear friend of mine kept Mr. Bradley at her house, so the other 5 younger kids and I went and had a wonderful time. It was so nice, and so much needed! Although today I am reminded how out of shape I am since every muscle in my body hurts LOL!

So today things are starting to look up, and although I have had to yell " NICE HANDS WITH THE DOG BRADLEY" about 10000000 times while typing this, I do see a small light at the end of our tunnel :)




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So today is the big day and anger issues

 It is Bradley's team meeting. I pray that we can make a plan that will work for him. He doesn't deserve any of this. It makes me so angry that because of someone else's choice he has had such a hard life and is barely 5 years old. It also makes me angry that because of someone else he will suffer the rest of his life with impulse control, attachment issues, and having brain damage and all that will bring for him through out the rest of his life.

 I am angry a lot about my kids past lately. Angry that I have a 8 yo beautiful daughter that we had to teach at 5 years old that she doesn't need to be sexy, and that the crossing guard doesn't "want her" because he loaned her a jacket when she forgot hers. Or that "having good looking kids, is how you get a boyfriend" is not true ,when I told her on the 1st day of kindergarden that she looked pretty.

 Angry at the fact that my other daughter struggles so badly with a mixture of things because someone couldn't stop smoking meth through her pregnancy even up to the point of smoking it in labor.

I am angry at a system that FAILED these children repeatedly in 2 different states!

And I am angry, that I am angry. I need to move past the anger. Its not healthy for any of us. It's really not healthy for me. In some weird way it is almost like bio mom is still here. She is still affecting us. And that has to stop. Right now! I want to go back in time and save these kids so much earlier, to take away all the pain they suffered. I know I cant, and I need to focus on here and now, and the future.

So today I will be angry because I will have to sit in the meeting and go over my son's tragic past, and the issues that it is causing him today, then I will come home and cry, grieve the part of the childhood they lost, then I will wash my face, hug my kids, and give it to God. Because I have been angry too long and it is time to let go of it and find all the joy we can in this journey.


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Do's and Don'ts

This BLOG has become sort of my "lifeline" lately. Today I read this and felt I should share. I am pretty much at the end of my rope. Bradley's behaviors are spinning out of control ever since I was gone at the hospital with Paige. We have a "team meeting" for him Thursday to make a plan. I pray it is a plan that will work.


Here is the LINK to the actual post :) 

DO treat our children as if they’ve always been here and always been a part of our family. DO invite them over to play. DO include them in neighborhood activities. DO encourage your children to get to know our kids just as they would any other children and not be afraid of them because they are adopted or sound funny when they talk.

No matter how long the family has been home or how you think things might be going, DO ask if there is anything you can do to help. DO bring a meal,DO offer help with mundane chores such as running errands, cleaning, helping with laundry, gardening and yard care, grocery shopping, etc. If the family does open up and let you know what kind of help they really need, DO what you can to make it happen.

DO try to remember the most stressful day you ever had as a parent. DO realize that the adoptive parent of an attachment challenged (or at-risk) child has that kind of day almost every day.

DO be supportive and listen with compassion when I need to vent my frustrations. Just listen without offering advice or attempting to solve the problems.

DO proceed cautiously when asking adoptive parents to do anything that places demands on their time. Even if it seems like the family has been home for awhile and things should be back to “normal” by now, DO realize they are probably not. Even small requests can be very overwhelming to a parent who, despite all appearances, is very likely struggling minute by minute to keep it all together. DO understand that the needs of our children come first, no matter who or what else may come along.

DO realize that even though adoption is a joyous, wonderful event with many benefits to both the child and their family, it also comes with a tremendous amount of grief and loss. These losses will be felt by all members of the family—parents, adopted children, and bio children. These losses (and the grief that comes with them) are very real and often very intense and must be processed by each person in their own time and way.

DO resist the urge to put your own time frames on how long bonding or attachment should take. It could take weeks, months, or even years. Every child is different. Every parent is different. Every situation is different.

DO realize that parenting “older” adopted children who have lived in foster care or an institutional setting such as an orphanage is very different than raising securely attached bio children that have been with their family since birth. Normally, kids learn from the start that they get what they need and want in this life from their parents, and when that process is started a little late in an adoptive parent/child relationship it's important for them to learn some dependence on their parents. Kids can get this idea in their heads that they can get what they need or want from other people -the neighbor, the nice man at the store, the lady at church, or even Grandma. Along with that comes the notion that they don’t need their parents and parents are no different than any other adult who is nice to them.

DO understand that parenting children who are at-risk for developing attachment issues often goes against social “norms” and beliefs. Traditional and/or popular parenting methods that work for healthy, well adjusted children are often counter-productive and even detrimental to a child with insecure attachment.

IF you have personal experience with raising traumatized children who were older than infants when they were adopted, DO offer to share your expertise and available resources. Otherwise, DO refrain from telling parents they need help and expect them to gratefully jump at all the “options” you present to them.

DON’T stop caring about us or talking to us because you don’t understand our situation or because you disagree with our choices or decision to adopt.

DON’T underestimate how incredibly difficult and completely exhausting (mentally, physically, emotionally, physically and financially) it is to parent these children, even if they’ve been home for what seems like a very long time.

DON’T judge the parents’ abilities, decisions, or methods. What may seem like extreme coddling or strictness (or even harshness) may be exactly what that child needs in order to overcome serious attachment, emotional, or psychological, or even social issues you may not be aware of.

DON’T accuse the parents, especially the mother, of being too sensitive, overly protective, or not able to handle her children. The parents are the ones who lives with these children day in and day out. They are the ones who know what reality really is. They know their children (and their history) better than anyone and have probably done a great deal more studying and research than you think. They’ve probably even already sought professional help, too.

DON’T fall into the “appearance” trap. Children with attachment issues can put on a great show to those outside their immediate family and lead you to believe that all is well. What you see is not always a true picture of the child. DON’T assume the parents are making up stories or doing something wrong themselves if what they tell you is happening is vastly different than what you see.

DON’T make excuses for the child’s behaviors or try to make the mother feel better by calling certain behaviors “normal”. DON’T try to downplay the child's issues as something they will just outgrow with time, parental love, security and patience, or even more discipline. Many children need medical and psychological interventions.

DON’T encourage our children to be overly affectionate or friendly with you…especially if you’re not a close family member or friend they see and spend time with on a regular basis. If our children behave this way towards you on their own, direct them back to their parents instead.

DON’T talk about the children in front of them. Consider how you would feel if someone started talking about you (whether in your presence or not), and began asking personal questions or making remarks about certain aspects of your behavior (especially if it something they don't like.) Just because they’re children doesn’t mean they don’t understand what the adults are saying.

Please DON’T undermine me in front of my kids. If you really disagree with what I'm doing-talk to me about it privately. The children are at a very critical point of trying to connect to a new family, and even small negative comments or reactions about our parenting are really blown up in that kid's mind. It hurts them more than people know. They need to build trust with their new family. People don’t realize how much it hurts that bond when they make snide comments or faces.

DON’T refer to the children as being “adopted.” For example, “This is grand daughter "X", (you know, the one from Russia.)”

DON'T give my kids any candy or food without my permission. Some kids react really, really badly to sugar or other foods. While you may think it's something nice to do for them, or even funny to load 'em up- I don't. I have to deal with it. You're not making it easier on our family, which means you're not making it any easier on the kids. And if they do need their diets to be restricted, any treats ought to come from me.

DON’T lose hope. With the right kind of parenting and therapy, a child with attachment issues can learn to trust and have healthy relationships. But it does take a lot of work and a good understanding of what these children need.




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5 years ago today

Mr.Bradley was born. Not to us, but was destined to be our son.You see,  I know his birth Mom. She is my cousin. Not the "we grew up together and were like sisters", but more like the "I saw her during Christmas and we never got along" type. When she was pregnant with him she called me out of the blue to ask me something weird. LOL. I knew she was pregnant as our Grandmother had told me. I was also told she may be thinking of adoption. So I mentioned we would be happy to take him if that was her decision and she wanted to keep him in the family. She insisted she was keeping him, but it was now out in the universe that we wanted him to be in our family.

That wouldn't actually happen until 2 weeks after his 2nd birthday. Sadly what he endured in those 2 years I can never take away (although I am trying to help him heal from it) I have now been Bradley's Mom for just under 3 years. It has been rough, rocky, and sometimes almost unbearable to parent him I will not lie.

But those moments, those single moments make it all worth it. Moms raising trauma kids know them. That 1 time they reached to hold your hand, or draw a picture of the 2 of you (and he is NOT shooting you), or went an hour or maybe even a day without breaking something or hurting someone or themselves. That sweet look on their face when they are sleeping. Those simple millisecond moments of hope we see sometimes.

Happy 5th Birthday Mr. Bradley, I love you very much. And we will endure, heal and find joy in your journey......



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End of my rope and RAD just SUCKS

Quick post, I need to vent. I am sick of crying. My adorable son who will be 5 tomorrow is growing worse in his behavior. I have now found "weapons" hidden under his pillow. ( A metal play knife from the play kitchen, a big safety pin he has bent open, and thumbtacks stuck all over his bed) I don't even know WTH the safety pin and thumbtacks came from!!!!! This may seem normal to some of you with boys. Its not. He has already injured a sibling, and is very violent :/

I called his Dr yesterday and demanded more help. Praying we get some. Praying for a lot of things. Mostly that he can heal, and not wind up in treatment or worse :/





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So we went back to the hospital :( and Update

Okay, here is the story.WARNING its gross! 


So we are at the store and all of the sudden she puts her hand to her mouth and I ask her if she is going to throw up, she nods yes. So I, being a Mom put my hands under her mouth and rush her outside, She throws up a ton of blood and blood clots. So much that I was covered up to my arms and so was she. The store people rush outside to help and ask if they should call 911. I call the hospital that she was just released from and luckily get her nurse that was assigned to her on the phone. She tells me not to call 911 but take her to the nearest ER. So off we go. They rush her right back, do some Xrays, and exam. They finally figure out that a part of where her tonsils were removed was bleeding and just running into her stomach. So they got to to almost stop bleeding and we are home. If it starts bleeding again like it was we are to bring her back. She wouldn't let them look into her throat and would barely open her mouth. So they tried to give her a breathing treatment with numbing meds in it. She wanted no part of it. So instead of thrashing around and us having to pin her down, she laid perfectly still and just moved her mouth away from it. (Thats what the picture is of) She is way too smart for her own good! This was Saturday night and so far so good. She still isn't swallowing her spit a lot of the time, but it is getting better. She also ate an actual meal finally for the 1st time last night. She had chow mein and the soft part of the crab puffs:)  I have decided no other child will be getting this surgery done at my house. If they need it, they will be waiting until they are married and their spouse can deal with it :)



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Things that make my heart hurt.....

A lot of times one of our "birth kids" will ask me something about when they were born, or when they were babies. This then will prompt a "adopted kid" ( I hate how that looks for some reason) to ask me the same or similar question. It makes me sad that I cant answer their question. With our almost 7 yo, I actually could answer some questions about her birth, But I wont. Not yet anyways. You see she was born addicted to meth, and taken away and placed into foster care for the 1st time of many times :( Also her birth Dad was in the country illegally and wanted for violent crimes in the US, so he was arrested that day also. These are things she will learn one day. And that makes my heart hurt. I mourn the loss of their beautiful birth stories, laughing as we look at baby pictures, or talk about those 1st teeth, words, and   steps...  

So we try to focus of the firsts we do have, the 1st time I saw them, the 1st time they called me Mom, we now have 1st lost tooth, day of school, birthday party, and for our 8 year old her Baptism. We are creating our own beautiful memories, but how my heart still aches for those lost moments I can not share with them.....

        Elayna signing her adoption papers :)

   My 1st day with Mr. Bradley :)

  Bryleigh's 1st lost tooth :)


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So I am going to be a huge whiney baby now

You have been warned! :)
Paige finally came home on the 4th of July. She still had not ate or drank anything, but the Dr at the hospital thought that her anxiety of being in the hospital was just making it worse and she would do better at home. Well that didn't work either. She still refused to eat anything, and we could only get her to take literally 1 tiny sip of milk about every 3 hours. Finally on Wed night she would eat a ICEE with a spoon, and today (Friday) she ate a few bites of pizza and is drinking a little more. So hopefully we are moving forward. Now here comes the whining....

I am TIRED. Not just sleepy, I am totally wore out! If you have ever had a child in the hospital or been in one yourself you know you cant sleep there. Every time I closed my eyes some monitor would go off, or someone would come it. So I have been up for almost a week, with only small cat naps here and there. I have not had actual REM sleep in a week now. Last night Paige was finally sleeping good, so I laid down and was watching "The first 48". That reality detective show that they try to solve the crime in the 1st 48 hours. Well the last thing I watch is the detectives going to inform a parent their child was murdered. Literally less then 10 minutes later , our dogs start freaking out barking and someone is pounding on the front door. I just out of bed and look at the clock. IT IS 10PM! So my husband answers the door and it is FEDEX, bringing one of the kids monthly pull up supply from the medical company. SERIOUSLY! They had to bring those at 10pm!!!! So this sent me into a panic attack and I couldn't sleep all night. Also I have listened to Paige snore since she was born. We still co sleep ( Yes I know she is almost 6, try telling her that LOL) but now she is silent when she sleeps. Which is great since that is why she had her adenoids out, BUT it causes me to put my hand on her chest or under her nose to make sure she is still breathing. I know, I am ridiculous :)

So tonight I have decided I have a date with some Tylenol PM, and some ear plugs. Dh is on kid patrol and I am going to sleep. Wish me luck ! :)





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Its just a simple procedure....

Thursday was the big day for Paige's surgery to get her adenoids and tonsils out. Everyone assured me that it was very simple and kids get it done everyday. We stocked up on pudding, jello, popsicles and gatorade....

                                 Getting her blood pressure taken before surgery

                                All ready to go back. You can tell she is scared :(


So she goes back, and comes out seemingly okay. We go home, and it goes downhill from there. She refuses to eat or drink anything, or even to take her pain meds. After 24 hours, I call the ENT doctor and let them know. They tell me to take her into the kids ER we have near us. So I take her straight there. They check her out, and start an IV. After running her blood tests they decide to admit her. She has been here over 24 hours now, still is not eating, still is not drinking, and it has been over 48 hours :( Thankfully she is getting fluids and pain meds via her IV.  We have no idea how long she will be here since she has to eat and drink on her own.     ****Prayers are greatly appreciated*****

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