Finding Joy In The Journey

Looking back....

2012-02-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

I was looking through old posts on my blog and came across this one below. It is from 6/17/08. I am amazed at how long of a journey this has been, and how grateful I am that we have found a great therapist and FINALLY some meds that have worked WONDERS. Sure somedays we still have "moments" but I will take a 5 minute meltdown over a 5 hour one that ends in her being placed in the children psych unit.

This is the book they gave us when we adopted. What would have been more helpful is a book on what to do when your new 3 year old is raging so bad you have to put her in a port a crib so you can make sure she doesnt hurt herself or another one of your children. You know, what she is doing right now as I type this. Or perhaps what to do when you take her from Dr to Dr and they each just keep passing you along to the next person. Or perhaps what to do when you are so stressed out you develop constant panic attacks, and your so stressed out your marriage is shaking at it's very core. And even your respite care worker that you have had for 5 years doesnt want to watch her. And constantly asks " What is wrong with her?" Followed by your OT who you have had for 5 years that tells you once a week during her visit " Something is very wrong with her, and she needs help" Also said OT worker is a foster Mom. And you mention all these things to each Dr or intake worker, and they just refer you to someone else. Or my personal favorite, " There is no evidence that birth Mom smoking meth her ENTIRE pregnancy will cause any problems." Ya because you can see how it causes no damage to the one that smokes it.... And I am SURE that a developing fetus taking in that same thing, will have no problems. Ya right...

Now we took her knowing there may be some problems, even at the tender age of 2. We asked "all the right questions" everyone that has done this before asks. And were brushed off, and told how lucky we were since she was so young, and the problems we were seeing would just fix themselves as she "settled in" So over a year later, all the love, and attention, medical visits, and anything else a child needs, and it is worse. She is cruel to the other kids, she lies about everything, she has destroyed more things in my home then the other 6 children combined over 18 years. She throws these raging fits unlike anything I have ever seen for HOURS. One day it was from 8 til 4!

So if anyone has been through this, has any idea how I can help her, or let me know is there some kind of way to get the system to work, please let me know!

Week in review :)

2012-02-12T19:00:00.001-07:00

Busy week!
Parent teacher conferences for Bryleigh and Bradley
Med check up for Layna
Lots of shopping for my redecorating projects
Park day with our homeschool friends
and a "staycation" with hubby or Valentines day :)

Tuesday brought both conferences for the 2 that are not homeschooled. Bry's was 1st. She is doing so well. I am so proud of how far she has become in the 3 1/2 years we have had her. She started as a scared, stuttering kindergardener struggling to read. Now in 3rd grade she is reading on level, class student council rep, ran on the track team, and is just a joy to be around.

Then was Bradleys. He has also come along way. Although we still have severe academic struggles due to his brain damage we think. Since his last med change his behavior has improved enough that he can go into the regular kindy class for about an hour a day! He still has some behavior stuff going on, but we are seeing improvement YAY! Today at church they were suppose to being in a family picture and a story about how they got their name. I explained to the teacher that 1. I have no idea how he got his name, 2. I would have never picked that, and 3. He will have a different name once his adoption is final LOL. She was very understanding :) I hate when things like that come up. I don't like having situations when my babies feelings could be hurt. And honestly I dont think he has any idea I am not his birth Mom. I was going through pictures one day of different people asking him who they were. I had snuck a pic of bio mom in there. when I got to her he said " I dont know who that is" Which is bittersweet for me honestly. Sad that a child doesnt know their own birth mother, yet thankul it didnt bring up any bad "stuff".

Layna had a med check Friday. Levels are therapeutic and she is doing AWESOME. We still have "moments" but they last maybe 5 minutes instead of 5 hours! She is doing great at home with her schoolwork, and is finally getting to enjoy being a little girl!

Lots of shopping going on around here with our tax return! Adam got a new car. A BMW like he wanted:) It is beautiful, and so nice to be back to 2 cars! I have been busy redoing some decorating. New bathroom stuff, and I re did both girls rooms :) They looks adorable and I will post pics as soon as they are 100% done. We also got a computer for each kid now (well except Bradley) and got flat screen TV's and Wii's for each of the girls rooms. The boys also got a new flat screen. They are so excited!

Every Friday we meet at the park to play with our homeschool friends. This week we had new friends come and the kids had a blast. I am so thankful to have positive people in mine and my children's life!

Friday night Adam and I got away at a local resort. The room was beautiful and they had a on site restaurant were the food was simply amazing! During dinner Adam gave kinda a little speech that was beautiful, then gave me a beautiful new wedding set for Valentines day / Anniversary. He said after 15 years it was time for an upgrade LOL. He is such a wonderful husband and Father. I am so grateful to be married to my best friend :)

This week has the bar set kind of high now LOL. Not really though. I have finally found so much joy in just taking care of my family and home, and finding all the joy I can in this journey :)

~

Lighters and Haircuts :)

2012-02-09T18:25:00.000-07:00

Today I took Corey for a haircut as his favorite place. You can pick a movie to watch or a video game to play while they cut your hair. He got his standard haircut LOL He hates anything other then short on top shorter on the sides. I had them give him a faux hawk last time and he was not happy with me :/ Lucky all it took was to wash the gel out and he was fine :)

while we were there Elayna asks if she can get bangs LOL. I tell her sure why not, it's her hair. She looks in the book and picks out a hair style. Trying not to laugh I tell her okay and they lady starts. Why the laughter?

We have a family joke. When my older girls were little they always had the same haircut til they were like 11 or 12. So it is not referred to as "the family haircut". What did Layna pick? Why its the family haircut! It looks adorable on her and will be great because she gets really sweaty and needs shorter hair :)

FOrgive the horrible pics, I am using my phone and it is getting dark.

Corey asked if he could learn how to use a lighter. Since he is almost 11 I figured it was a good skill :)
Here he is with his new haircut and lighter. He lit the candle in the family room and said " I am proud, I am super proud" LOL He is so funny.

And here is a random pic of Paige and our cat Willow because she insisted and we all know she runs this show :p

Living in the present....

2012-02-06T18:19:00.000-07:00

“Learn from the past, prepare for the future, live in the present.”
― Thomas S. Monson

Sunday at church we talked about this quote. I have always loved this quote but don't think I really thought about it until Sunday.

I seem to be pretty good at learning from my past :)
We are working on preparing for the future...
But living in the present I realize I am not good at...

Raising kids with special needs changes things. With my oldest 3 I would think about their future in ways like "I wonder what they will be, who they were marry, and how many children will they have" With special needs kids ( including our mentally ill kiddos) I worry about things like " Who will take care of them when I am gone, Will they take their meds if they live on their own, will they end up on drugs, incarcerated, or worse. Will they find someone to love and marry that will understand and accept them 100%."

I spend my days and nights worrying about my precious children. I realized Sunday that I am so busy worrying about the *What if's* that I am missing out on now. I am not enjoying today with them.

So I am giving it to God. I will continue to fight for them to get all the help they need, but I will no longer focus on the future outcome. I will enjoy them, love them, and live in the present.

Birthdays!!!!

2012-01-30T07:28:00.001-07:00

2 months a year we have birthdays really close together. In January it is Jonas and Emily. Emily's is 1st on the 26th, then Jonas' is on the 29th.

Emily was my 4th born child, 3rd daughter :) She changed so much about me. The 3 older kids were in school when I got pregnant with her, I worked full time in corp america, and was a "typical" fast food for dinner feeding, busy working Mom.
Emily changed all of that. I had planned on going back to work when she was a month old ( even though you get 6 weeks off, I couldn't imagine how my job would function with me gone that long LOL)
1 look at her beautiful face and I knew I would never set foot back in that office again. Dh and I worked it out so I could stay home. Which in reality after you factor in day care, and the money we spent because I was working, it wasn't a huge loss, and I became a stay at home mom :) That was 12 years ago :)

Next is Jonas. He was born to a 21 year old newly single Mom who had no idea how she was going to raise 2 little girls, and him. He was my 1st born son, and owned my heart the minute I held him. The funny thing is I never wanted a son. I figured myself as a "girl mom". I had no idea what I would do with a boy, and now being single and my ex husband totally out of the picture I really couldn't figure out how I would raise a boy. But for 2 years we muddled through it LOL ( Then I met now Dh.) Jonas showed me that I can be a "boy mom" and that the bond between a Mother and her son is unexplainable. I am so grateful for Heavenly Father for knowing that I wasnt just a "girl Mom". That was 18 years ago:)
(His goofy picture from last night LOL)

"That one"

2012-01-27T17:31:00.002-07:00

My oldest daughter has been helping so much since I went to the hospital and then home to recoup. Today she brought me cake pops, flowers and card telling me she doesn't know how I do it. (And some other super sweet sappy stuff that melted my heart)

So I told her about this story. She had never heard it, so I thought I would share it here too, in case others had also missed out on it :)

I get told a lot I can't save the world. which I understand, but I can make a difference to "that one"

The Starfish Story

A young girl was walking along a beach upon which thousands of starfish had been washed up during a terrible storm. When she came to each starfish, she would pick it up, and throw it back into the ocean. People watched her with amusement.

She had been doing this for some time when a man approached her and said, “Little girl, why are you doing this? Look at this beach! You can’t save all these starfish. You can’t begin to make a difference!”

The girl seemed crushed, suddenly deflated. But after a few moments, she bent down, picked up another starfish, and hurled it as far as she could into the ocean. Then she looked up at the man and replied,

“Well, I made a difference to that one!”

So glad I dragged myself out of bed for that :/

2012-01-23T17:58:00.000-07:00

Bradleys appt I have been waiting forever for and had to reschedule was today. Today, the day I am in the most pain since my surgery UGH. But we got a ride since I can't drive on my meds, and off we went.

I was told we need to get key locks for the girls doors that they can lock at night so he doesn't come in. "Make sure to get key locks. He will figure out the other kind in record time I am sure." Is what I was told. "How about he stay's in his bed, and keeps his hand off other people and their stuff, and the rest of us don't live like a prisoner !" Ergh I am so frustrated with the nighttime nonsense.

She is switching meds again. One of them she is taking off because she thinks it is making him fidgety and restless. " It can be a side effect" Then why did we put him on that in the 1st place I ask. The last thing he needs is to be fidgety and restless some more. His insurance is a HUGE battle for meds for him until he is 6. Not sure why 6 is the magic number, but we wont reach it until mid July.

So he is upping one of his meds to try to calm him during the day, and going back on a med for aggression which was the very 1st med we ever tried with him. Hopefully it will work this time, or at least get him through the rest of school without being kicked out.

~

I am home

2012-01-22T20:33:00.000-07:00

and pretty much going crazy being stuck in bed!
My surgery was Sat morning about 6 am, I came home Sat night about 5pm. So happy to see my babies :)
Everyone was okay, and lived with me being gone for a few days. Bradley drove everyone nuts but thats normal :)

I feel like yuck still, and want to get up and do normal Mom stuff. I started a load of laundry and it about knocked me on my butt :/ So I will lay here watching mindless junk on HULU, and pray I feel better quickly.

I still have to go back to get a stint taken out, but that is out patient and not til next week. Hopefully will be no big deal, and go smoothly.

Tomorrow is Bradley's psych appt that was suppose to be last Thursday, but instead found me in the hospital. They were kind enough to get us in tomorrow. I pray we find something new that works for him. Why is it when you get one stable, another starts going downward :/

~

So I am in the hospital.

2012-01-19T20:28:00.000-07:00

I have a 8mm kidney stone that requires surgery. If you have never had a kidney stone the pain in unimaginable. It is like labor pain times 100000 and comes out of nowhere. No warning, no lead up, just WHAM!

You would think I would enjoy the break though. Morphine, cable tv, room service. I do not.

I miss my babies. I worry about what is going on at home.(Even though I know Dh and the respite workers are fully capable) This is going to be a very long 3 days :/

~

1 Step Forward 2 Steps Back

2012-01-16T14:45:00.003-07:00

Bradley had a rough last part of the week at school :( We are back to purposely peeing and pooping ourselves, punching the art teacher, throwing the time out chair, destroying the classroom.

And a very rough weekend at home. He snuck out of bed, tormented the cat (which the cat will not put up with him like the dogs do so he is covered in scratches). He is back to not being allowed to touch the pets :(

He tormented the other kids while they slept. Pulled their hair, demanded they wake up, and in by doing this he wakes up the whole house (well at least the person he has choose to victimize and me.)
I had to go remove him from Primary ( Sunday school) yesterday and sit with him in an empty classroom for the last 45 minutes.

And lucky me, it is a 3 day weekend. I have accomplished ZERO today except for sitting and staring at him all day. When he gets like this he has to be monitored constantly. I ran to the bathroom for 2 seconds, literary ran. He made a dog squeak and a sister cry.

Thankfully we have a appt on Thursday with his psychiatrist and will see where we can go from here since his latest med combo has become useless like all the past ones :/

~

Welcoming 2012

2012-01-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

I am really have to see a new year on the calendar. Not that it is magical, but there is something about the thought of a "new start" that gives you hope. And lets face it, 2011 kinda sucked around here LOL. We had the normal attachment mental illness stuff, plus all the hospital stays mixed in from Paige's "routine" tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy. Emily's seizure disorder stuff, my 4 day stay from what was thought to be a stroke that was really just stress and migraines. Plus looking back I see a lot of really weird negative "junk" I let into my life. Looking back now I think I did it because it was a good distraction from other stuff that was going on in my house. But the bad thing about that is, it doesn't make the other stuff go away, it just brings more stress. So see ya later 2011 :)

2012 is so our year :)
Layna seems to be on a great med combo. And while she still has her mood swings, she has been able to be calm enough to use some of her tools her therapist has been working on for a very long time with her.

Bradley while still struggling at school, his attachment issues are getting better. HE IS HEALING! The other day he came home from school and gave me a hug when he walked in. It was one of the sideways awkward hugs, and I loved every second of it! It was the 1st time ever! Normally he walks in and yells as me that he wants a snack. So this was a huge step up as you can see LOL. And this morning he gave me the same hug goodbye. I have such hope for him.....

Em , Corey and Paige are cruising along with schoolwork, we found what works for them, and are having a wonderful time learning tons of new things. Emily starts Young Womens at the end of the month. I can't believe it! Where has the time gone! Corey is busy with Scouts and LOVES it. His leader is amazing.

I am so thankful for all the wonderful people in my children lives that help to teach them and help them grow.

I have been busy this week canning green beans, and making salsa. Organizing my home, and teaching my children. I want my simpler life back :) My year will consist of caring for my family and my home, and growing closer to my Heavenly Father. You know, focusing on what TRULY matters :)

~

Catching up

2012-01-09T10:00:00.001-07:00

Words cannot express how happy I am that December is over. The excitement of the holidays throws some of the kids into a tailspin for one, and two school is out for 2 weeks, which puts Bradley off schedule on top of everything else.

So as we know Layna was cycling down and down. The crisis team ended up being called, and her Psychiatrist ended up having her admitted into the kids mental health unit for observation. We (Dr's) have been "tracking" her behavior for years and she has been in therapy since she was 3. Due to years of data, and family history (we are thankful to have access to) she has an official dx now. "Early onset bipolar disorder with psychosis" Big long sigh..... I cried all day after hearing it. Then I realized at least now we know. It is easier to help and understand when you know. The Dr started her on new meds. I hate the new meds. They make me sad. BUT they make her a happy stable little girl so far since they have hit a "therapeutic level" This makes me cry for joy. She actually came to me and told me she was angry the other day, and came and told me she was sad another. THIS IS HUGE HUGE HUGE. She has never been able to tell us these things. Instead she would just rage and rage and rage. So prayers, good vibes, kind thoughts are appreciated we can keep on this path. She deserves to know what it feels like to be a stable and happy little girl.

Bradley.... He is healing :) He is becoming more and more affectionate and I am so very happy :) He is also still super crazy and these past 2 weeks felt like forever LOL. He drove the other kids pretty much batty. He is still really delayed, so he is like a 2 1/2 3 year old in a 5 1/2 year old body. He copies EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. It drives the kids crazy LOL. He still doesn't understand how to play by himself, so he just wanders around until he finds someone to pester :) He also talks NON STOP. Man I love this kid, but I have never been so happy to see his teacher this morning in my life LOL. I need a break, we all need a break. I like to look at it as a chance for us to miss him :)

HAHAHHA!!! As I am typing this Layna just said " Mommy, I dont want to be rude and all, but I like when Brad is at school."

Other kids are doing really well :) The 3 little girls ( Paige, Layna and Bry) are starting a mixed martial arts class tonight. I am so not the contact sport kind of Mom, But Dh goes, and thinks it will good for them. Therapists agree. So I hope it works out well. They are REALLY excited!

So onto answering the comment left by "anonymous" Funny when someone wants to say something negative they hide :) They told me that I have " Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome" and that they wonder how my children would be if they were not being raised by me.

I 1st read this message while out to lunch with the 6 little kids and my oldest daughter the Friday before Christmas on my phone. Honestly I started cracking up. My oldest daughter got really mad and defensive. I told her to not let some troll bother her, and if it didnt hurt my feelings, why should it bother her. I also mentioned it to the kids therapist. She also cracked up. She said to answer your question odds are they would be bounced around throughout foster care and wind up in a group home or in residential treatment. Social Worker also gave same answer ( and same laughter)

You see "anonymous" we have a HUGE "team" here for our kids. Drs (Ped, Developmental, and Psych), therapist's (mental, physical, occupational, speech) ,social workers (home and school), respite, habilitation, and teachers. While I appreciate that you think I am so smart that I could manipulate ALL of these people for the past 4 years, I think you may just have to accept that I am just a Mom, raising kids dealing with trauma, doing the best I can.

A little about MBPS in case you dont know :)

About MBPS

In MBPS, an individual — usually a mother — deliberately makes another person (most often his or her own preschool child) sick or convinces others that the person is sick. The parent or caregiver misleads others into thinking that the child has medical problems by lying and reporting fictitious episodes. He or she may exaggerate, fabricate, or induce symptoms. As a result, doctors usually ordertests, try different types of medications, and may even hospitalize the child or perform surgery to determine the cause.

Typically, the perpetrator feels satisfied by gaining the attention and sympathy of doctors, nurses, and others who come into contact with him or her and the child. Some experts believe that it isn't just the attention that's gained from the "illness" of the child that drives this behavior, but also the satisfaction in being able to deceive individuals that they consider to be more important and powerful than themselves.

Because the parent or caregiver appears to be so caring and attentive, often no one suspects any wrongdoing. A perplexing aspect of the syndrome is the ability of the parent or caregiver to fool and manipulate doctors. Frequently, the perpetrator is familiar with the medical profession and is very good at fooling the doctors. Even the most experienced doctors can miss the meaning of the inconsistencies in the child's symptoms. It's not unusual for medical personnel to overlook the possibility of MBPS because it goes against the belief that a parent or caregiver would never deliberately hurt his or her child.

Diagnosing MBPS

Diagnosis is very difficult, but would involve some of the following:

a child who has multiple medical problems that don't respond to treatment or that follow a persistent and puzzling course

physical or laboratory findings that are highly unusual, don't correspond with the child's medical history, or are physically or clinically impossible

short-term symptoms that tend to stop when the perpetrator isn't around

a parent or caregiver who isn't reassured by "good news" when test results find no medical problems, but continues to believe that the child is ill

a parent or caregiver who appears to be medically knowledgeable or fascinated with medical details or appears to enjoy the hospital environment

a parent or caregiver who's unusually calm in the face of serious difficulties with the child's health

a parent or caregiver who's highly supportive and encouraging of the doctor, or one who is angry and demands further intervention, more procedures, second opinions, or transfers to more sophisticated facilities

And we are back

2012-01-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

My blog was closed for a couple of weeks. I had big plans of re doing some stuff. Ya not gonna happen. So it will stay how it looks, and that will have to be just fine :)

Huge long post coming shortly. TONS have gone on. Some horrid, some awesome, and a response to a comment that I received that still makes me laugh when I think about it :)

~

Service :)

2011-12-23T11:48:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful morning :) In October our oldest (She is 21) decided that instead of spending money on family and friends for gifts they don't need she wanted to spend her money on a service project. She decided on purchasing things for the crisis nursery.

So we talked to all the kids about it and showed them some videos from the crisis nursery and what it is. They thought this was a great idea. So this morning we filled up the van with everything she had purchased and all drove down there.

The kids also wanted to do something, and we have been so very blessed, so we also took some toys and some clothing down to the family homeless shelter.

I love to see the joy in the kids faces that they have when we participate in any type of service.

I hope you all have the most very merriest of Christmas' :)

~

Same Old Same Old

2011-12-22T11:50:00.000-07:00

Bradley was removed from his classroom on Monday yet again. He walks home from school with his older sister. The teacher had given her the behavior report to give to me. So the whole way home he screamed that he hated her, and she was a jerk, and he hopes she dies. Thankfully she just ignores him and knows he doesn't mean it. The really stupid part is that it's not like I didn't know. The teacher called me when it happened. Did he think I wasn't going to know if she didn't give me the papers?

Well after school on Mondays he also has speech. She comes to the house and is here when he gets home. He gives her a hard time every week unless she is doing something he wants to do. He does this great thing where he pretends that he is falling asleep and tells her " My meds make me sleepy" Ummm ya. Nice try buddy. Your meds haven't med you sleepy in months, and they don't make you tired Tuesday thru Sunday. So natural consequence... In life if you are tired and falling asleep you go to bed. So I sent him to go lay down. The raging fit that followed that was ginormous. He was screaming at me that he wasn't tired for what seemed like hours. But I stood my ground and finally he gave up. Speech came Tuesday too for a make up day, and he was much better and not tired at all!!! LOL
Bradley 0 / Mom 1 ( finally!)

Elayna is in some kind of mental illness spiral. The crisis team has had to be called in, and her therapist actually came over. We almost had to have her hospitalized again, but with the crisis team and the fact she has a med appt tomorrow were able to keep her home. Still not sure if that was a good idea since her rages are now daily, and becoming increasingly violent. So I pray the Dr changes her meds to something that will work, because her meds now are doing ZERO.

So thats that.. We are trudging along, still trying, and never giving up hope

~

PTSD in Adoptive Moms?

2011-12-19T15:56:00.000-07:00

I read this today. Pretty much sounds like me :(
I have finally took the time to reach out for help for myself. Well I can get in, in a month. But still I have finally taken a step in getting MY life back.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
in Parents of
Reactive Attachment Disordered Children

by Jody Swarbrick

Many foster and adoptive families of Reactive Attachment Disordered children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected, after all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life. An emotionally unhealthy way of life. We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?
The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a RAD child. Family and friends may think that you -- the parent are the one with the problem. Families are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive.
It is a known fact, that kids diagnosed with RAD tend to target their Moms, play it cool around their Dads, and charm strangers. Where does that leave a parent? Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of their child.
Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of our RAD children. It's heartbreaking, frustrating, mindboggling, and extremely stressful. In essence, we're fighting to teach our children how to love and trust. Intimacy frightens our children; they have lost the ability to love, to trust, and to feel remorse for hurtful actions. They see us as the enemy. Small expectations on our part can set our children off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.
Your home becomes a war zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities, and your own sanity. You know that your child has been hurt beyond words, you ache for them. Despite your loving intentions and actions, it's thrown in your face. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your child. You want your child to have a fulfilling childhood and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.
In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous affects on our well-being literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.
The primary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder include:

Avoidance -- refusing to recognize the thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma, this further includes avoiding activities, individuals, and places associated with the trauma.
Intense distress -- when certain cues or "triggers" set off memories of the traumatic event. You may have trouble concentrating, along with feelings of irritability, and frustration over trivial events that never bothered you in the past.
Nightmares and flashbacks -- insomnia or oversleeping may occur. You may exhibit symptoms such as heightened alertness and startle easily.
A loss of interest in your life -- detaching yourself from loved ones. Losing all hope for the future and a lack of loving feelings.

Secondary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can include:

The realization that you are no longer the person you once were. Relationships have changed by alienating yourself from loved ones. Loneliness and a feeling of helplessness prevail in your daily life.
Depression, which can lead to a negative self-image, lowered self-esteem, along with feeling out of control of your life and environment. You may become a workaholic and physical problems may develop.
You become overly cautious and insecure. Angry outbursts may occur putting stress on significant relationships.

If you are parenting a child diagnosed with Reactive Attachment disorder, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope. Counseling is readily available to families and individuals. Take advantage of resources that will help you put the traumatic experiences into perspective, enabling you to let go of past feelings by replacing them with positive skills for recovery.

Dear

2011-12-13T15:58:00.000-07:00

Elayna,

Mommy is begging you to stop with the scream fest. My nerves can't take anymore of it this week....

Love. Mommy

I am seriously shocked the police haven't shown up! I have her therapist and case workers card out just in case they do. I am feeling very sad and frustrated. I used to love the Holidays. Now it's like I just count down for them to be over. It's not fair to the other kids that are not in some mental illness spiral, so I need to snap out of it :/

~

Well that didn't last :(

2011-12-11T19:34:00.000-07:00

Last week was just awful :( Bradley has been getting in so much trouble at school and twice last week had to be removed from the classroom for raging fits, and throwing the toys off the shelf all over the room. He put the other kids as risk for being hurt, not to mention himself. I kept him home Friday to see how he would behave, and he was fine. Well not fine, but nothing like he was doing at school. So I am not sure what is going on there to set him off. He had an appt for his med check Jan 12th. I called to see if they had anything sooner and got the " Sorry we are all booked up" So I told them "Fine, I will go have him placed on a 23 hour psych hold because I know then you have to get him in there within 24 hours after his release". Well then magically an appt opened up for Monday! I know their game now, I will not be put off. So we will go tomorrow and I will bring all his paperwork from his trouble at school and see what she says.

Elayna has been in whine fest mode all week. She is homeschooled now. I just realized I didnt blog about that! Short version, her teacher decided teaching just wasnt for her and was not coming back after Thanksgiving. Which since we had finally all got on the same page and Elayna knew it this made me so upset. So a letter came home with the new teachers name on it. I pluged it into Facebook, assuming that it will all be private but hoping she had a profile pic so I could t least show Elayna what she looked like to help with the change. Boy was I in for a surprise!! It was not private at all, and awful. Post's about how she hated teaching, and on and on about all kids of things I didnt want to know about. So I let the Principal know that she may what to make that all private. I didnt want to see her talking about how awful my kids class was one day. So he talked to her. How do I know. I went on to show my husband and there she was calling me a nosy B%tch and her and her friends going on and on about how to assault me. I printed it out, and handed it to the Principal along with a withdrawal form. Well he called to tell me they were no longer hiring her, which I appreciate but Dh and I think it is best she is home schooled right now anyways. I am not about to have to start over with a new teacher this year.

Onto Bryleigh. This week has brought multiple fake illness. No idea why, but it is really irritating LOL.

So yesterday I went shopping alone. On my way home I drove past our 1st house. A 1200 sf 4 bedroom, in a run down neighborhood. I cried all the way home. I brought Emily and Corey home from the hospital to that house. I planned for Paige's birth in that house.... Life was wonderful in that house. I had never heard of PICA or Reactive attachment disorder, or dealt with a raging 7 year old for 8 hours, or had my home destroyed, my marriage rocked, and my sanity shot. I cried for what once was......

Please understand I love ALL my children. But sometimes it just feels like I am drowning and have no idea how to find a life preserver. But I will get over it like I always do, move forward and find joy in my journey.....

~

It's about freaking time!!!

2011-12-05T12:48:00.001-07:00

We had a FULL day of fun here! No meltdowns, (from the kids or me LOL)

Saturday started with us going the local Waldorf schools "Winter Faire" The kids love this and look forward to it every year. This is where all the pics are from. I wish I would have got more, but we were having way too much fun! Bradley even won a cake from the cakewalk! ( Bradley loves cake like... well pretty much like a RAD kid with PICA loves cake. Which at my house is ALOT LOL)

Then after we went to a friends daughters baptism :)
When I got home from this something AWESOME happened but that is it's own post for another day this week.

Then we had our ward ( Church ) Christmas party. Not a tear was shed all day ( Well okay a brief one by Elayna, but it lated like 2 min, and Adam calmed her down fast YAY)!!

I hope everyones weekend went as well!

This Moment

2011-12-02T07:56:00.002-07:00

Inspired by Soulemama's {This Moment}

{this moment} - a friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from my week. I want to pause and savor this moment.

Do your kids?

2011-11-30T15:07:00.000-07:00

Come and ask you 5 million random questions all day long? My 9 year old daughter will ask me the same question phrased 3 or 4 different ways. I AM GOING CRAZY!!!!!! What is weird is my bio kids didn't and don't do it. Is it something that come from being neglected? Abused? Please tell me someone has answer and even more so a way to stop it! I just want them to be able to play and entertain themselves for 5 entire minutes. And most importantly I want them to be able to feel like they can make a simple choice without seeking my approval or support. I love them to the moon and back, but Holy Hannah!!!

~

Wonderful FREE E Book

2011-11-28T12:29:00.000-07:00

I want my home to be filled with love

Filled with laughter

Filled with peace

Filled with joy

Filled with mercy

Filled with contentment

Filled with gratitude

Filled with fellowship

Filled with warmth

Filled with His Light

Filled with prayer

Filled with singing

Filled with praises

Filled with grace

Filled with an overflowing abundance of HIM.

This is from a wonderful free Ebook on Simplifying for the Holidays from Simply Living...For Him.

You can find the link on the right side of her blog RIGHT HERE

While you are there, check out the AWESOME deal she has on a great Ebook on Homeschooling.

This Moment

2011-11-25T20:03:00.000-07:00

Inspired by Soulemama's {This Moment}

{this moment} - a friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from my week. I want to pause and savor this moment.

4 years ago today....

2011-11-17T08:54:00.001-07:00

Elayna became ours legally forever :)

Happy "gotcha day" princess!

I am grateful for giveaways :)

2011-11-08T10:02:00.000-07:00

I found this giveaway today... I love things done "the old way". Since I live in Arizona I get to dry things outside almost all year. (Which since I am not "fond" of living here, I like to find all the blessings I can in it, and this is a HUGE one for me)
What I would love to own in the plunger washer! This beautiful website has a gorgeous drying rack and a plunger washer they are so kindly giving away. So go HERE to enter.

30 Days Of Thankfulness Day Two (Late)

2011-11-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

I am very grateful for "VIP" soccer programs, and for the Special Olympics. Emily and Corey played in the Special Olympics soccer program today. After working very hard with their team during weeks of practice, and playing their hearts out today... they took home the GOLD!

30 Days of Thankfulness.... DAY ONE

2011-11-01T20:05:00.000-07:00

I use this blog a lot as an outlet for what sucks in my life :) So with Thanksgiving (my FAVORITE Holiday BTW) Upon us this month, I have decided to look at what I am truly thankful for. A lot of these will be pic heavy for those who like pics :)

Day one...

I am so grateful for a 21 year old super cute singer in a heavy metal band that took a chance on dating a crazy (and not always in a fun way LOL) 24 year old single Mom with 3 adorable children. We have grown up so much together and I am so very grateful to have you by my side on this journey Adam....

I realized I am a horrible MMB :)

2011-10-18T18:47:00.002-07:00

MMB you ask? Mormon Mommy Blogger :) Recently there was an article about how women love reading "Mormon Mommy Blogs"

You can read it here :)

In the beginning she ask's "Why am I addicted to the shiny, happy lives of these women?

LOL My blog is far from portraying a "shiny happy life". Maybe if I was blogging 4 or more years ago, yes you would have seen this "perfect" ,happy ,craft making, food storage saving, visiting teaching going Mormon Mommy life.

But things change.... Sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad, sometimes they just change.
Bringing in trauma kids changed our family like nothing else. So this is my "mormon mommy life" now.

Would I change it? ..... Tough question. And I am not going to lie. Had I know then what I know now, I would have left my life as it was. I love my children. ALL my children. But I was not educated or equipped to deal with trauma kids. My birth children have suffered a lot for various reasons. There are days I find myself on my knees in prayer just wanting to yell out DO OVER!!!

Would I change it now? NO. If Bradley and his sisters birth Mom showed up at my door even clean and healthy she would have one heck of a fight on her hands with me. Elayna's birth mom seems clean, healthy and productive. I could easy send her to her, even just for a visit, or the Summer. NOPE, not gonna happen. I signed up for the long haul. These are my children now. And we will work and fight through whatever comes our way :)

Some people may think I am too honest in what we deal with and how much I share, My life is not sugar coated, and so I am not going to sugar coat it on here. This is it. What you see is what you get. Sometimes it is worse and I just don't post about it, because it is just too much. But I know I am not alone. There are times when it feels like it. But I know I am not. During those times I go read other "trauma Mama" blogs. It's nice to feel like someone , somewhere, out there gets it. Knows what it feels like to raise kids that other people tell you to "give back". Knows how that Mama cub fight comes out for these kids, but also knows how it feels to feel so defeated..... So if reading my blog helps one person out there feel like they are not alone, then that is wonderful :)

So those mormon mommy bloggers can keep their shiny happy lives, and I will celebrate the joy in mine :)

~

So.....

2011-10-13T19:29:00.000-07:00

You are all probably wondering what the heck happened. Well we picked her up at 4pm the next day. She had an appt the following day with her regular psychatrist. She was also suspended again for stealing again.

Her psychiatrist changed her meds to abilify. 5mg during the day and 2.5 at night along with her clonidine she takes to help sleep and to help with the night terrors. It has been so far so good. Her mood seems good, but more importantly her attitude seems a whole lot better. She now meets with the school social worker 1 x per week alone, and also with a group, and with a therapist 1x per week. She will also be spending Saturdays from about 9am til 5pm at a really cool respite home. I swear it is really cool :) They do fun field trips on Sat. It is open all weekend and she could go Friday at 3 til Sun at 6, but we said NO WAY. And just choose to take her Sat where she could do the field trips, and we could get a small break from each others :)

So hopefully (and more so prayerfully) we will keep cruising along and healing.

I also have some healing I need to do on birth Mom anger :/

~

23 hour Psychiatric Hold

2011-10-06T08:36:00.000-07:00

is what they are calling where my 7 year old daughter is.

2 weeks ago, she was caught stealing and lying at school and suspended. Yesterday she was caught again.

Her Dr told me to box up her belonging to show her what it is like to have nothing, and to see what it feels like to have your things taken away. This sent her into a violent raging fit.

Elayna was born addicted to meth, and spent 2 years neglected and abused before coming into foster care for good and coming to us. She has been dx with bipolar disorder....

Taking your 50lb child down to a psychiatric hospital , watching her and her clothing searched, and then hearing that loud click as the heavy door shuts behind you as you leave your tiny child there is so heartbreaking words cant describe........

~

Irritated!

2011-10-03T04:17:00.000-07:00

In our state we are blessed to have regular respite care for our special needs kiddos. We get so many hours per year and can use them how we like. Well seeing that our state cant seem to figure out their budget, they keep going after these programs. We already lost music therapy :( And now starting this month they have cut 120 hours of Bradley's respite hours for this year :(

I suppose I should be grateful it wasn't more, since it was suppose to be more. They had a meeting to "discuss it" that was open to the public. I asked them if they had any idea what it is like to care for a child with special needs full time, and especially if they had any idea what it was like to care for a child with an attachment disorder. I explained how I am trying to keep him from going back into the foster care system, and out of a residential treatment home. But without a break I don't know how long I can physically, or mentally continue. I pointed out that cost vs the respite hours. I also asked if they would like me to drop him off at their house on Saturdays to abuse their pets, torment their children, and destroy their home. No one offered to take him :)

So now I get to sit through a meeting today to go over all the things they have taken away from these kiddos, and the families that need them. Because I am sure there was just nowhere else they could find to cut the budget (insert eye rolly here)

~

Lesson from Star Wars

2011-09-28T21:52:00.001-07:00

"I learned something from Star Wars. That anger and rage leads to the dark side" My high functioning autistic 10 yo son just informed me of this. I hope to be so smart one day :)

~

Suspension in the 1st grade and Are your kids praise junkies?

2011-09-27T10:55:00.001-07:00

Mine are. Well I take that back, some of mine are. I didnt even notice it until my newly 7 yo was suspended from school last Friday for stealing and lying. Nice huh? Insert big huge sigh.....
Which also brings up my "nature vs nurture" question I am curious about but will post another day.

So she was grounded this weekend. I have been a Mom for almost 22 years, and this is the 1st time I have had a child suspended or grounded. So I noticed that every minuscule thing she did (I gave her chores to pass the time LOL) she wanted some sort of praise. So then I started watching the other kids. Bradley does it BAD, Holy Hannah! He wants praise for getting dressed in the morning! Everyday he gets a sticker for not being a jerk. Okay I know, I know it's for having a "good day" But lets be realistic. It's for not being a jerk. Then I started to think about the other 1000000 kids that go to school everyday and dont spit or hit or disrupt and manage to do it without a sticker. Kudos to you kids! Because that is just life, and you have managed to just be a nice human LOL. I dont get a sticker when I leave Wal Mart because I didnt punch someone ( Although sometimes I should LOL)

Using Bradley is a bad example really though. But you get my point (I hope) But I hear stories of the art teacher handing out candy if you pay attention, or the PE teacher handing stuff out if you participate. REALLY people. PARTICIPATE??!!!! PAY ATTENTION???!!! Isnt that their job as students?

Are we raising kids that need constant reward and pats on the back? Have we lost that feeling of doing something and making ourselves feel good without needing a cheering section?

~

Goodbye Chief :(

2011-09-22T21:15:00.000-07:00

6 years ago my brother found a sweet puppy someone had left out in the desert to die. He brought it home, nursed him and has loved him like a child. 2 weeks after he found this puppy he named Chief, our Mom died suddenly. I know Chief was a huge help in helping my brother cope with that loss. He became sick with what the vet thought was pneumonia a month ago. At his check up yesterday, the vet declared it was cancer and he had anywhere from a month to 4 months left. Well last night about 4 am he passed. My brother was up with him thankfully and held him as he passed. My heart is broken. We all loved him so very much. He was amazing dog. My poor 11 yo daughter Emily has cried all day, and my brother is just devastated. There is nothing more frustrating then watching your loved ones in pain and you cant fix it :(

Goodbye sweet boy, we will miss you so very much.

Some fun around here finally! (Part 1)

2011-09-21T20:59:00.001-07:00

Paige turned 6 on the 12th. Every birthday for her is a HUGE deal for me. She was born 10 weeks early, weighing 2lbs, 6 oz, and was 15 in long. She scored a 1 on her apgar scale and was completely blue and listless. It is a miracle she is here with us and doing so well. I thank Heavenly Father for her every day...

You can read her birth story HERE

We had her friends from our homeschool group over for a little party and she had a wonderful time :)

Where were you?

2011-09-11T07:11:00.000-07:00

I woke up to nurse a then baby Corey. Turned on the TV and saw reports of a plane into the 1st tower. Sat with my baby, tears streaming down my face as another plane went into the 2nd tower as I watched live.... no, I'll never forget.

"Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning)"

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Were you in the yard with your wife and children
Or working on some stage in L.A.?
Did you stand there in shock at the sight of that black smoke
Risin' against that blue sky?
Did you shout out in anger, in fear for your neighbor
Or did you just sit down and cry?

Did you weep for the children who lost their dear loved ones
And pray for the ones who don't know?
Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
And sob for the ones left below?
Did you burst out in pride for the red, white and blue
And the heroes who died just doin' what they do?
Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself and what really matters?

[Chorus:]
I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell
you the difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is love

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Were you teaching a class full of innocent children
Or driving down some cold interstate?
Did you feel guilty 'cause you're a survivor
In a crowded room did you feel alone?
Did you call up your mother and tell her you loved her?
Did you dust off that Bible at home?

Did you open your eyes, hope it never happened
Close your eyes and not go to sleep?
Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages
Or speak to some stranger on the street?
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow
Or go out and buy you a gun?
Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watchin'
And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns?

Did you go to a church and hold hands with some strangers
Did you stand in line and give your own blood?
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family
Thank God you had somebody to love?

[Repeat Chorus 2x]
And the greatest is love.
And the greatest is love.

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day?

~

Ummm so which one of you

2011-09-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

has been praying about my families Church drama?
I received an email from the Stake President this morning, asking if we would consider attending another ward. The kids and I will be going Sunday morning. Dh is refusing. I have to respect that. I am nervous....

On the Bradley front, 2 days in a row he has came home with a "Superhero Status" sticker. This means he hit the very top of the behavior chart 2 days in a row. Yay meds!

~

Sooooooooo

2011-09-05T20:34:00.001-07:00

I have kinda shut down a bit. I haven't had the energy to blog. I have hardly had the energy to function enough to get through the day honestly.

Bradley's teacher was ZERO help with listening about how to deal with a RAD kid for the 1st week of school. By mid week of the 2nd his honeymoon with her was over and he has taken control of her classroom. She gets it now and is on board with working the ideas and plans we give her.

He started new meds Sat. I only start new meds over weekends so I can watch for side effects. I used to be that hippy au natural Mom who gave their kid herbs. Then I became Mom to a drug exposed, abused child. I get the point that some people must have pharmiscuicals. It took our OT asking me "Kelly if he had cancer would you give him pills?" Well yes of course I would. Okay fine I will try them....

Well we have seen little hope here and there. Thursday we met with his Dr. She reminded me that I didnt need to keep parenting him, and there are "treatment homes" for kids like him. Sigh..... Yes I know. I am not ready to give up, please just work with us I begged. So she put him on abilify and tenex. Abilify and tenex in the AM, and tenex again at noon. Then clonidine to sleep at night. Typing it makes my heart hurt. Him having to be on meds like this makes me angry. But you should have seen him this weekend. Calm, loving, playing with his siblings. It was like someone switched him out with another kid! I have hope. I am always looking for hope to cling to and this gives me a lot. He goes back to school tomorrow. School has been ROUGH, so I will wait with baited breath until 2:45 when he comes through the door to see what his "communication notebook" says. Pray for him that is it good :)

I have been taking some steps to find myself again. I have been doing some grieving. Grieving the life I feel I gave up to parent 3 kids who's birth Mom's damaged. I know that may sound selfish. I have beat myself up a lot over feeling like that. But it is what it is, and I need to grieve it, and move on. I love them, they sure in the hell are never going back to them if I have any say over it and we all need to start moving forward.

I have also been grieving the loss of my Church. We as a family had to walk away. I love the gospel, I know it is true, but the people were making it toxic. My kids were becoming increasingly unhappy, as was my husband, and we just needed to walk away. For me it feels almost like someone died. My life revolved around Church. So I have been a little lost. But I have slowly realized that Heavenly Father hasnt forgot me anymore then I have forgot him. And I have been working on some pretty cool things to teach my children about his love, and most importantly how to see his love in action. My kids need to be surrounded by people who "walk their talk" no matter what building they go to, or if they go into one at all on Sunday. Jesus loved everyone, the poor, the thieves, the whores, EVERYBODY. And he did not judge. The most important thing I can teach my children is the PURE love of Christ. To love people for who they are in their heart, not what they may or may not look like.

So I am slowly digging myself out of my hole, cleaning up my decorations from my pity party and starting my life again, and most of all ...... finding joy in the journey :)

~

We are all still alive

2011-08-22T08:17:00.000-07:00

I have been making some big positive changes. Around my home, in my life, most importantly within myself. I will make a huge long post explaining soon :) I hope everyone is doing well!

~

So I have to laugh...

2011-08-17T14:30:00.001-07:00

Bradley got a note home from his teacher saying how he shared a car with another child without being asked. This is HUGE, I mean HUGE for him. I was so happy I cried

Then what happens when he gets home....... He threatens to stab Elayna with a fork. But what happens next was PRICELESS!

I was out front dealing some weirdness that I dont even want to get into yet and Paige runs outside to tell me he is threatening Layna with a fork, he comes running after to defend himself I am sure, and guess who I am standing outside with. 2 polices officers!!!!!! He starts screaming his head off and runs inside. This is going to sound so mean but I about peed myself laughing. I give the officers a quick rundown of the situation, they TOTALLY understand. At this moment in my life I am so sad I do not have a video camera in my driveway :)

He has now said he was sorry to his sister and is laying on his bed watching a cartoon cuddling his favorite stuff dog :)

~

Can I be more excited?

2011-08-15T07:57:00.000-07:00

Probably not. Today start Bradley's 1st day of full day kindergarden. I used to never understand that excitement parent had for 1st day of school. I was a die hard homeschooler and loved spending every waking moment with my kids. Then I became Bradley's Mom.
It's not that I dont love him. It's just..... well read back though my blog if you dont know :)

Please pray for his teacher if you are the praying kind. Or send good vibes :) She is fresh from college and has never heard of reactive attachment disorder. I have a feeling she thought she was going to teach a different type of "special needs kid". I made her a notebook we can send back and forth that also has a little background about Bradley and also a little about RAD. I let her know she should have about a 6 week "honeymoon" period and be fine. She laughed. I think she thinks I am being funny. I am half tempted to send her this link. LOL

Well I am off to enjoy the quiet of the day until 2:30 and the joy in this new journey :)

~

3 days of R&R

2011-08-12T16:52:00.003-07:00

Okay well not really rest and relaxation to most people. I spent 3 days in the hospital....
I will start from the beginning since that is normally the best place to start :)

I had a Dr appt on tuesday to get my blood pressure checked. It has seemed high when I checked it at the grocery store a few days before. My appt was at 11am. Well about 9am I was sitting on the couch talking to my husband on IM , and my face got all tingly and felt numb, then I couldn't move my left arm. I let my husband know, and he came home. I refused to go to the ER and went to my reg Dr appt. My Dr took one look at me, took my blood pressure (150/100) and told me he was going to call 911 or I could go across the street to the ER myself. I chose to go myself. By the time I got there I had no control of my left side at all. I got into the ER, they took me directly back and all of the sudden I was surrounded by people. I know now they were the stroke team. I got a stern talking to by the Dr about not coming directly there, and was whisked away for the 1st of a million tests. We talked about giving me some kind of shot that would break up a blood clot in my brain if I had one but could also cause my brain to bleed, and if I choose to take it I would go to ICU and be monitored of course. I chose "no thank you". I remember a very nice Dr asking me if I was under a lot of stress. I remember starting to cry and telling her about Bradley. I could see the tears in her eyes as she squeezed my hand when I told her we just wanted to give him a chance.

I was admitted into the neuro unit for more testing and spent 3 days. After it was all said and done it was decided I did not have a stroke (thank goodness) I had a complex migraine brought on from excessive stress and exhaustion.

So I am suppose to take it easy for a few days. School starts for him on Monday (Thank goodness) and we are going to work on getting some respite in place. Thankfully we live in a state that offers full respite services.

I now have to face that I not only have mental but physical limits, and I need to figure out how to handle that.....

~

Lets try something new :)

2011-08-07T14:32:00.000-07:00

You know, like a post of the good things going on in my life :)

1.) My oldest son Jonas was asked to become a manager at his job he has been at for 5 months. He will start training and be an actual manager by November. He is 17 and will still be 17 until the end of Jan :) We are INCREDIBLY proud of him!

2.) The other kids are all doing so well, I delight in being their Mother so very much.....

3.) The bills are paid, there is food in the pantry, and my husband has a job. In a world of ever changing uncertainty these are certainly blessings!!

4.) It is 2:30 pm and Bradley has had a great day so far, I have been able to get some de cluttering and laundry done, and the other 6 kids are with their Dad enjoying a major league baseball game.

God is good....ALL the time....... (I just need to remember to look harder)

~

More a note to remind myself then anything.....

2011-08-06T17:42:00.000-07:00

Today he flooded the kitchen, pulled all my 11 yo dd clothes on the floor in her closet while she was asleep, and broke the arms off a doll that obviously wasn't his. This was before 6am. We finished up the day with a million weird lies........

~

When you don't even have the words....

2011-08-05T07:56:00.000-07:00

This will be short and too the point. I am so overwhelmed...

I swear one day I am going to blog about at least one of the other EIGHT kids I have. Sigh......

Psych appt yesterday. Up'd meds, added meds, new meds. Conversation about how yes he is doing things to personally upset me, I am not going crazy. (Well I am, but not because I am wrong about that thought).

Speech therapy before the psych appt. Conversation about how she doesn't know how to deal with him and how he is scary with how manipulating he is to her. Me apologizing to her........

Last Occupational therapy appt next week. She decided to work with someone else. She just cant deal with him. I have 2 other kids that see her. They lose now.

Marriage shaken to the core, praying we can hang on and recover

Me, MASSIVE health issues now from stress

Moving on to today..... Woke up to him and my kitchen table covered in poop. Yep thats right POOP.

I want to finish this by mentioning, we did not adopt Bradley. We took him in as part of a safety plan to keep him out of foster care while his Mother (a relative) was incarserated. She was suppose to get out and get them back within 6 months. That was 3 years ago. Recently I am told she was found on the side of the road O'd from shooting meth and miscarrying yet another child. ( This would have made 6). We have legal guardianship of him.

So we will trudge along battling to keep getting him help and praying it all works out........

~

What do you do with a kid...

2011-08-01T07:54:00.001-07:00

Who gets up at 5 am and attacks his sister while she sleeps. By attack I mean grabbing her by her hair and shaking her by it while whispering in the meanest voice ever right in her face to "wake up!"

And makes false allegations about people "hurting" him. He tried to say the occupational therapist was hurting him on Friday. She put her hand on his back to talk to him and was being very nice actually. Not the 1st time we have seen this either. And yesterday while laughing hysterically he accused my husband of punching him in the back "one time in a room". My husband was so upset :( He is the most gentle person ever, and has never laid a hand on any of our children.

Really, I need to know. Any suggestions are welcome. It has to stop.......

~

Loving this song

2011-07-29T08:48:00.000-07:00

This is the perfect song for my life right now. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend filled with Joy!

Video courtesy of youtube.com

~

Just a few little updates

2011-07-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

The kids books and supplies arrived yesterday :) All 14 boxes! It was like Christmas in July. Paige (who will be 6 in Sept) pulled out her math book and yelled "Ohhhh a math book! I will TOTALLY use this!" Always entertaining is the language of the younger siblings LOL

On the Bradley front, while registering him for Special needs Kindergarten we found out his special needs pre school teacher from last year retired. The majority of her choice was based on him, since she felt like she just didn't have it in her anymore and couldn't handle another year with a child like Bradley. Makes your heart feel good. ( eye rolly here) While I get it to a point, the woman was a teacher for 25 years. He couldn't have possibly been her worse student, could he?

But then again bringing us to today, his speech therapist had to go outside and take a break from him for a few minutes. That I TOTALLY get. I do it myself several times a day. I could tell she was about to cry and told her to take all the time she needed, or even if she wanted to stop for the day that was fine too. She came back in, gave it 2 more min and then gave up. She is a great therapist, I feel bad for her :(

But school will be starting on the 3rd for the girls, so we will be back to a good schedule, and Bradley will start the 15th, which will give all of us a nice break and the ability to get stuff done :) I just pray he has a good year. He needs some success, to be able to make some friends, to learn that he is a good boy, and deserves to have a wonderful life.

~

Cutting out negativity from my life....

2011-07-26T07:13:00.002-07:00

Photo from Cafepress.com

I have slowly come to realize that "all that glitters is not gold". And in regular language LOL , I have become to realize things that I thought were wonderful, may actually be kinda toxic to my family.

People are people, and we are all imperfect. But when other peoples "issues" affect my family, then it is time to take a good hard look at why I have these people in my life.

Life is very short. Far too short to have people wrap themselves in a cloak of religion and use that to put you down and make you question your worth.

I find it sad that people can pick up the phone and ring mine off the hook when they need something. Yet when my world is falling apart and maybe a visit, a phone call, or even an email from someone would make me feel a little less alone, they cant seem to remember me. Even when I reach out in an email, people cant take 5 seconds from their lives to say "I'm thinking of you" and hit send.

I have seen to many people struggle lately with various things, and not one person reach out to them. I have seen people hurting, and going hungry, and deal with illness. ALONE. It used to not be like this in my world. I don't know exactly what changed (or maybe I do) but regardless it is heartbreaking. We are taught to love one another. I have seen less and less examples of this lately.

I love my Faith. I do not question my beliefs. But right now I do question where and who I choose to meet and share those beliefs with. I believe that my children should go into a building on Sunday to learn about Heavenly Father, and Jesus, and how we are children of God, and that he loves us.

I do not believe they should go to be judged on what they are wearing, how long or what style their hair is, or if they have 2 small holes in their ears. These things should also not be used against them to question their Faith. Sadly I have seen this a lot recently. I have seen amazing kids be hurt and fall away all because someone thought they were so perfect, so righteous that they could sit in judgment of another. I would like to ask those to look around their own house and see maybe what is going on there that they should be worrying about...........

So at the request of my husband and some of my children, we will be staying home on Sundays. I thought this would make me sad. I actually feel relieved. I don't have the energy anymore to put on a fake smile and act like everything is okay, so other people wont feel uncomfortable. I will happily teach my children the lessons since I can get them online, and we will sit and learn of the Savior and the love he has for us, without dealing with the nonsense of others.

~Kelly

Meeting Update and an actual fun day!

2011-07-25T07:00:00.000-07:00

The meeting went well. We will be starting with a behavior therapist and doing play therapy. I asked if we could take their positive parenting class. She asked me if I was kidding. I sat there not knowing what to say until she said "You are the most positive parent I have seen all year" I had to laugh since I really don't feel like it, but I will take it as a nice compliment. I still wanna take the class though LOL ( I have wondered since then how "un positive the other parents are she see's)

To eleviate some stress from myself this year we decided to enroll the other 5 kids into a virtual school. They will still be at home, but I will not have to make lesson plans and everything else that comes with homeschooling. Plus they send us all the curriculum, AND sent us a computer and printer for each kid!

So Dh set them up Friday night on a long table. When he was done he looked at me and said "How about we ditch the school idea and just start a telemarketing business for the kids?" That made me laugh.(I haven't laughed in a long time) What makes it worse is each kid also has a headset with a microphone LOL !

Also Friday night we got to go to a meet and greet for the virtual school at our local skating rink. It was free, which who the heck doesn't like free! LOL A (brave) dear friend of mine kept Mr. Bradley at her house, so the other 5 younger kids and I went and had a wonderful time. It was so nice, and so much needed! Although today I am reminded how out of shape I am since every muscle in my body hurts LOL!

So today things are starting to look up, and although I have had to yell " NICE HANDS WITH THE DOG BRADLEY" about 10000000 times while typing this, I do see a small light at the end of our tunnel :)

~

So today is the big day and anger issues

2011-07-21T07:30:00.001-07:00

It is Bradley's team meeting. I pray that we can make a plan that will work for him. He doesn't deserve any of this. It makes me so angry that because of someone else's choice he has had such a hard life and is barely 5 years old. It also makes me angry that because of someone else he will suffer the rest of his life with impulse control, attachment issues, and having brain damage and all that will bring for him through out the rest of his life.

I am angry a lot about my kids past lately. Angry that I have a 8 yo beautiful daughter that we had to teach at 5 years old that she doesn't need to be sexy, and that the crossing guard doesn't "want her" because he loaned her a jacket when she forgot hers. Or that "having good looking kids, is how you get a boyfriend" is not true ,when I told her on the 1st day of kindergarden that she looked pretty.

Angry at the fact that my other daughter struggles so badly with a mixture of things because someone couldn't stop smoking meth through her pregnancy even up to the point of smoking it in labor.

I am angry at a system that FAILED these children repeatedly in 2 different states!

And I am angry, that I am angry. I need to move past the anger. Its not healthy for any of us. It's really not healthy for me. In some weird way it is almost like bio mom is still here. She is still affecting us. And that has to stop. Right now! I want to go back in time and save these kids so much earlier, to take away all the pain they suffered. I know I cant, and I need to focus on here and now, and the future.

So today I will be angry because I will have to sit in the meeting and go over my son's tragic past, and the issues that it is causing him today, then I will come home and cry, grieve the part of the childhood they lost, then I will wash my face, hug my kids, and give it to God. Because I have been angry too long and it is time to let go of it and find all the joy we can in this journey.

~

Do's and Don'ts

2011-07-17T07:31:00.003-07:00

This BLOG has become sort of my "lifeline" lately. Today I read this and felt I should share. I am pretty much at the end of my rope. Bradley's behaviors are spinning out of control ever since I was gone at the hospital with Paige. We have a "team meeting" for him Thursday to make a plan. I pray it is a plan that will work.

Here is the LINK to the actual post :)

DO treat our children as if they’ve always been here and always been a part of our family. DO invite them over to play. DO include them in neighborhood activities. DO encourage your children to get to know our kids just as they would any other children and not be afraid of them because they are adopted or sound funny when they talk.

No matter how long the family has been home or how you think things might be going, DO ask if there is anything you can do to help. DO bring a meal,DO offer help with mundane chores such as running errands, cleaning, helping with laundry, gardening and yard care, grocery shopping, etc. If the family does open up and let you know what kind of help they really need, DO what you can to make it happen.

DO try to remember the most stressful day you ever had as a parent. DO realize that the adoptive parent of an attachment challenged (or at-risk) child has that kind of day almost every day.

DO be supportive and listen with compassion when I need to vent my frustrations. Just listen without offering advice or attempting to solve the problems.

DO proceed cautiously when asking adoptive parents to do anything that places demands on their time. Even if it seems like the family has been home for awhile and things should be back to “normal” by now, DO realize they are probably not. Even small requests can be very overwhelming to a parent who, despite all appearances, is very likely struggling minute by minute to keep it all together. DO understand that the needs of our children come first, no matter who or what else may come along.

DO realize that even though adoption is a joyous, wonderful event with many benefits to both the child and their family, it also comes with a tremendous amount of grief and loss. These losses will be felt by all members of the family—parents, adopted children, and bio children. These losses (and the grief that comes with them) are very real and often very intense and must be processed by each person in their own time and way.

DO resist the urge to put your own time frames on how long bonding or attachment should take. It could take weeks, months, or even years. Every child is different. Every parent is different. Every situation is different.

DO realize that parenting “older” adopted children who have lived in foster care or an institutional setting such as an orphanage is very different than raising securely attached bio children that have been with their family since birth. Normally, kids learn from the start that they get what they need and want in this life from their parents, and when that process is started a little late in an adoptive parent/child relationship it's important for them to learn some dependence on their parents. Kids can get this idea in their heads that they can get what they need or want from other people -the neighbor, the nice man at the store, the lady at church, or even Grandma. Along with that comes the notion that they don’t need their parents and parents are no different than any other adult who is nice to them.

DO understand that parenting children who are at-risk for developing attachment issues often goes against social “norms” and beliefs. Traditional and/or popular parenting methods that work for healthy, well adjusted children are often counter-productive and even detrimental to a child with insecure attachment.

IF you have personal experience with raising traumatized children who were older than infants when they were adopted, DO offer to share your expertise and available resources. Otherwise, DO refrain from telling parents they need help and expect them to gratefully jump at all the “options” you present to them.

DON’T stop caring about us or talking to us because you don’t understand our situation or because you disagree with our choices or decision to adopt.

DON’T underestimate how incredibly difficult and completely exhausting (mentally, physically, emotionally, physically and financially) it is to parent these children, even if they’ve been home for what seems like a very long time.

DON’T judge the parents’ abilities, decisions, or methods. What may seem like extreme coddling or strictness (or even harshness) may be exactly what that child needs in order to overcome serious attachment, emotional, or psychological, or even social issues you may not be aware of.

DON’T accuse the parents, especially the mother, of being too sensitive, overly protective, or not able to handle her children. The parents are the ones who lives with these children day in and day out. They are the ones who know what reality really is. They know their children (and their history) better than anyone and have probably done a great deal more studying and research than you think. They’ve probably even already sought professional help, too.

DON’T fall into the “appearance” trap. Children with attachment issues can put on a great show to those outside their immediate family and lead you to believe that all is well. What you see is not always a true picture of the child. DON’T assume the parents are making up stories or doing something wrong themselves if what they tell you is happening is vastly different than what you see.

DON’T make excuses for the child’s behaviors or try to make the mother feel better by calling certain behaviors “normal”. DON’T try to downplay the child's issues as something they will just outgrow with time, parental love, security and patience, or even more discipline. Many children need medical and psychological interventions.

DON’T encourage our children to be overly affectionate or friendly with you…especially if you’re not a close family member or friend they see and spend time with on a regular basis. If our children behave this way towards you on their own, direct them back to their parents instead.

DON’T talk about the children in front of them. Consider how you would feel if someone started talking about you (whether in your presence or not), and began asking personal questions or making remarks about certain aspects of your behavior (especially if it something they don't like.) Just because they’re children doesn’t mean they don’t understand what the adults are saying.

Please DON’T undermine me in front of my kids. If you really disagree with what I'm doing-talk to me about it privately. The children are at a very critical point of trying to connect to a new family, and even small negative comments or reactions about our parenting are really blown up in that kid's mind. It hurts them more than people know. They need to build trust with their new family. People don’t realize how much it hurts that bond when they make snide comments or faces.

DON’T refer to the children as being “adopted.” For example, “This is grand daughter "X", (you know, the one from Russia.)”

DON'T give my kids any candy or food without my permission. Some kids react really, really badly to sugar or other foods. While you may think it's something nice to do for them, or even funny to load 'em up- I don't. I have to deal with it. You're not making it easier on our family, which means you're not making it any easier on the kids. And if they do need their diets to be restricted, any treats ought to come from me.

DON’T lose hope. With the right kind of parenting and therapy, a child with attachment issues can learn to trust and have healthy relationships. But it does take a lot of work and a good understanding of what these children need.

~

5 years ago today

2011-07-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

Mr.Bradley was born. Not to us, but was destined to be our son.You see, I know his birth Mom. She is my cousin. Not the "we grew up together and were like sisters", but more like the "I saw her during Christmas and we never got along" type. When she was pregnant with him she called me out of the blue to ask me something weird. LOL. I knew she was pregnant as our Grandmother had told me. I was also told she may be thinking of adoption. So I mentioned we would be happy to take him if that was her decision and she wanted to keep him in the family. She insisted she was keeping him, but it was now out in the universe that we wanted him to be in our family.

That wouldn't actually happen until 2 weeks after his 2nd birthday. Sadly what he endured in those 2 years I can never take away (although I am trying to help him heal from it) I have now been Bradley's Mom for just under 3 years. It has been rough, rocky, and sometimes almost unbearable to parent him I will not lie.

But those moments, those single moments make it all worth it. Moms raising trauma kids know them. That 1 time they reached to hold your hand, or draw a picture of the 2 of you (and he is NOT shooting you), or went an hour or maybe even a day without breaking something or hurting someone or themselves. That sweet look on their face when they are sleeping. Those simple millisecond moments of hope we see sometimes.

Happy 5th Birthday Mr. Bradley, I love you very much. And we will endure, heal and find joy in your journey......

~

End of my rope and RAD just SUCKS

2011-07-13T11:44:00.002-07:00

Quick post, I need to vent. I am sick of crying. My adorable son who will be 5 tomorrow is growing worse in his behavior. I have now found "weapons" hidden under his pillow. ( A metal play knife from the play kitchen, a big safety pin he has bent open, and thumbtacks stuck all over his bed) I don't even know WTH the safety pin and thumbtacks came from!!!!! This may seem normal to some of you with boys. Its not. He has already injured a sibling, and is very violent :/

I called his Dr yesterday and demanded more help. Praying we get some. Praying for a lot of things. Mostly that he can heal, and not wind up in treatment or worse :/

~

So we went back to the hospital :( and Update

2011-07-12T15:06:00.001-07:00

Okay, here is the story.WARNING its gross!

So we are at the store and all of the sudden she puts her hand to her mouth and I ask her if she is going to throw up, she nods yes. So I, being a Mom put my hands under her mouth and rush her outside, She throws up a ton of blood and blood clots. So much that I was covered up to my arms and so was she. The store people rush outside to help and ask if they should call 911. I call the hospital that she was just released from and luckily get her nurse that was assigned to her on the phone. She tells me not to call 911 but take her to the nearest ER. So off we go. They rush her right back, do some Xrays, and exam. They finally figure out that a part of where her tonsils were removed was bleeding and just running into her stomach. So they got to to almost stop bleeding and we are home. If it starts bleeding again like it was we are to bring her back. She wouldn't let them look into her throat and would barely open her mouth. So they tried to give her a breathing treatment with numbing meds in it. She wanted no part of it. So instead of thrashing around and us having to pin her down, she laid perfectly still and just moved her mouth away from it. (Thats what the picture is of) She is way too smart for her own good! This was Saturday night and so far so good. She still isn't swallowing her spit a lot of the time, but it is getting better. She also ate an actual meal finally for the 1st time last night. She had chow mein and the soft part of the crab puffs:) I have decided no other child will be getting this surgery done at my house. If they need it, they will be waiting until they are married and their spouse can deal with it :)

~

Things that make my heart hurt.....

2011-07-10T23:04:00.001-07:00

A lot of times one of our "birth kids" will ask me something about when they were born, or when they were babies. This then will prompt a "adopted kid" ( I hate how that looks for some reason) to ask me the same or similar question. It makes me sad that I cant answer their question. With our almost 7 yo, I actually could answer some questions about her birth, But I wont. Not yet anyways. You see she was born addicted to meth, and taken away and placed into foster care for the 1st time of many times :( Also her birth Dad was in the country illegally and wanted for violent crimes in the US, so he was arrested that day also. These are things she will learn one day. And that makes my heart hurt. I mourn the loss of their beautiful birth stories, laughing as we look at baby pictures, or talk about those 1st teeth, words, and steps...

So we try to focus of the firsts we do have, the 1st time I saw them, the 1st time they called me Mom, we now have 1st lost tooth, day of school, birthday party, and for our 8 year old her Baptism. We are creating our own beautiful memories, but how my heart still aches for those lost moments I can not share with them.....

Elayna signing her adoption papers :)

My 1st day with Mr. Bradley :)

Bryleigh's 1st lost tooth :)

~

So I am going to be a huge whiney baby now

2011-07-08T17:05:00.001-07:00

You have been warned! :)
Paige finally came home on the 4th of July. She still had not ate or drank anything, but the Dr at the hospital thought that her anxiety of being in the hospital was just making it worse and she would do better at home. Well that didn't work either. She still refused to eat anything, and we could only get her to take literally 1 tiny sip of milk about every 3 hours. Finally on Wed night she would eat a ICEE with a spoon, and today (Friday) she ate a few bites of pizza and is drinking a little more. So hopefully we are moving forward. Now here comes the whining....

I am TIRED. Not just sleepy, I am totally wore out! If you have ever had a child in the hospital or been in one yourself you know you cant sleep there. Every time I closed my eyes some monitor would go off, or someone would come it. So I have been up for almost a week, with only small cat naps here and there. I have not had actual REM sleep in a week now. Last night Paige was finally sleeping good, so I laid down and was watching "The first 48". That reality detective show that they try to solve the crime in the 1st 48 hours. Well the last thing I watch is the detectives going to inform a parent their child was murdered. Literally less then 10 minutes later , our dogs start freaking out barking and someone is pounding on the front door. I just out of bed and look at the clock. IT IS 10PM! So my husband answers the door and it is FEDEX, bringing one of the kids monthly pull up supply from the medical company. SERIOUSLY! They had to bring those at 10pm!!!! So this sent me into a panic attack and I couldn't sleep all night. Also I have listened to Paige snore since she was born. We still co sleep ( Yes I know she is almost 6, try telling her that LOL) but now she is silent when she sleeps. Which is great since that is why she had her adenoids out, BUT it causes me to put my hand on her chest or under her nose to make sure she is still breathing. I know, I am ridiculous :)

So tonight I have decided I have a date with some Tylenol PM, and some ear plugs. Dh is on kid patrol and I am going to sleep. Wish me luck ! :)

~

Its just a simple procedure....

2011-07-02T19:05:00.001-07:00

Thursday was the big day for Paige's surgery to get her adenoids and tonsils out. Everyone assured me that it was very simple and kids get it done everyday. We stocked up on pudding, jello, popsicles and gatorade....

Getting her blood pressure taken before surgery

All ready to go back. You can tell she is scared :(

So she goes back, and comes out seemingly okay. We go home, and it goes downhill from there. She refuses to eat or drink anything, or even to take her pain meds. After 24 hours, I call the ENT doctor and let them know. They tell me to take her into the kids ER we have near us. So I take her straight there. They check her out, and start an IV. After running her blood tests they decide to admit her. She has been here over 24 hours now, still is not eating, still is not drinking, and it has been over 48 hours :( Thankfully she is getting fluids and pain meds via her IV. We have no idea how long she will be here since she has to eat and drink on her own. ****Prayers are greatly appreciated*****

Summer Fun :)

2011-06-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

The past 2 weeks have found us at cub scout day camp (for me and 10 yo ds) and a "cake camp" for 11 yo dd. Everyone else could be found in the play pools I picked up the other day.

Poof! And A Fresh Start

2011-06-20T08:13:00.000-07:00

"It isn't as bad as you think it is. It all works out. Don't worry-I say that to myself every morning. it will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trist in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. "
— Gordon B. Hinckley

Some of you read a post that was here Sat. Out of respect for my husband I took it down. There was a lot of turmoil in my home Saturday afternoon. A lot of frustration and tears, and thankfully a lot of talking.

I am from the "I really don't care what people think of me" camp. My husband is the opposite. He worries that people are judging us, or talking about us behind our back. I informed him that I am sure they are, and who cares. Only one person gets to judge me that I care about, and it sure isn't someone sitting inside our Church building on Sunday. The people with the hurtful comments, and judging nature will all have to answer for themselves one day before Heavenly Father. So I will continue to go to Church for all the right reasons. Hopefully my husband will join me.

So now it is Monday, the start of a new week. My husbands work has a bunch of mandatory overtime til the end of the month, so we will not be seeing much of him until July. The extra pay is always nice, but I am sad since Sat is his birthday and he will be at work.

It is too hot here now to go do anything, so I will take this time to clean out cabinets, and drawers, and organize, organize and organize.

I want to work these next few weeks on getting the clutter out of my life. Be it actual clutter, mental clutter, or just "junk" from other people that is cluttering. It is time to de junk! I do not want anything in my home or my life that is not useful, or makes me and my family happy.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Summer so far and finding lots of joy in your life's journey!

~

Okay here is a nicer post :)

2011-06-11T10:15:00.000-07:00

Wow I was crabby at 5 am! Its been a very long week here. We have had the flu going around and it seems to be hitting each kid one at a time, so we are dragging it out for what seems like forever :(

Also this week my youngest ds had a new appt with his psychologist. We have had a VERY rough month with him. They tried to switch his meds which made him so out of control he couldn't attend the last 5 days of special needs pre school. The teacher requesting (in a very round about way) that he should just stay home "since they really were not going to be doing anything anyways." How could I send my child to a school with a teacher that I know doesn't want him there :( So he started summer break a week early. We switched him back to his old meds, that work about 5 hours, but after the new meds I will happily take the 5 hours.

So back to this weeks appt. I kept being told by other professionals in his life that he "seems to have a attachment disorder." And well I can only ignore things for so long before I have to face it. We have had him just shy of 3 years and it was time to face reality. So I brought all kinds of reports from others to his Dr, and we talked and talked while she watched him out of the corner of her eye. " He is very calculating isnt he?" I had to ask her if she was making a statement or asking me an question LOL. Yes he is VERY. You can see from all the reports I brought that everyone else mentions that too, but using words like "sneaky".

So we went over what she sees that he "has"
1.)SEVERE ADHD
2.)PICA (This has actually got better)
3.)Severe head trauma AKA Shaken baby
4.) Extreme neglect and abuse issues ( true, but you think there would be a better term for it)
5.) PDD NOS
and drumroll please....... we have added
6.) Reactive attachment disorder
officially to his paperwork.

Its not like I didnt know. I dont live in that much denial. I guess I just kept praying it was something else, or one of the other dx were causing the same signs.

So we know will be adding a new therapist to our list and I will be reading, reading, reading and reading some more to find the best way to help MY darling almost 5 year old son. ( Capitalizing MY out of anger for bio Mom. It makes me feel better for some reason. For those that don't know the whole story, I am related to bio mom)

My last angry post came from reading a message board when they are lumping every adoptive parent into one group and RAD kids into one. I shouldn't let strangers on the internet get to me, but like I said it has been a long week and I am human.

~

With all due respect.....

2011-06-11T06:04:00.001-07:00

(This is going to be a very short post, I have been up almost 48 hours with flu ridden kids. I am a tad crabby LOL)

To people that have.....
1.) Never adopted
2.) Do not have a child with autism
3.) Do not have a child with R.A.D. or an " attachment disorder"
4.) Do not have a bi polar child
5.) Are not parenting a child that suffers from PTSD

PLEASE KEEP YOU PARENTING ADVICE ABOUT MY CHILDREN TO YOURSELF!!!! I really dont want to hear "what you would do" unless you have been in the "trenches" and DONE IT, and had some type of result. YOU HAVE NO IDEA what my children have been through, nor what I am going through, so again BE QUIET.

You can say "I'm sorry", "Wow that sucks" or even " Gee I am glad I dont have to deal with that" or "Better you then me I guess" That would be less irritating quiet honestly.

Okay rant over, and I hopefully I will get some sleep, my children will be flu free and I will have a nicer post tomorrow :)

~

Can we love one another, as the Savior has commanded, if we judge each other?

2011-06-09T09:09:00.003-07:00

For some time now it seems like a lot of the "Christians" I know have become some of the most very judgmental people I know. This makes my heart hurt in such a deep way. It seems as though people want to fit everyone into some kind of mold. My heart is also angry right now so I am trying to be very careful in my words. My 17 year old son has had his ears pierced since he was about 2. ( I didn't do it, and didn't know about it til after the fact) Also I was not a Christian when he was 2, and lead the complete opposite of my life I lead now. He hasn't worn earrings since he was like 3. He has been asking if he could put some in. We have said no, up until the point where he graduated High School, and is working a full time job. I feel like he is old and mature enough to make that choice for himself. The deal was he couldn't wear them to Church or Church activities. Well last night he forgot to take them out. Someone felt the need to talk to him about it, and in so many words told him he was a bad role model (Not sure when he ever claimed to be a role model) and then questioned him in his faith and plans to serve a mission. Now we all know earrings come out right? Its not a tattoo on his forehead. He doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, go to parties, heck he doesn't even date. He is an amazing kid that helps with his special needs brothers and sisters, works full time, is always home by curfew of before, and loves the Lord. Sometimes we need to pick our battles. If his having sparkly earring in his ears that can be taken out is my biggest concern for him, then well I think we are pretty lucky.
Our own Church prophet has given many talks on not judging others. We talk about listening to the words of our prophet, maybe we should make sure we are listening to all his words and not picking and choosing what works for us.

"At a recent conference for Mormon women, Thomas S. Monson encouraged women to be kinder to each other and to avoid criticism. Following is a quote from that sermon and several thoughts from previous talks on the subject of not judging others.

Each Person is Unique

My dear sisters, each of you is unique. You are different from each other in many ways. There are those of you who are married. Some of you stay at home with your children, while others of you work outside your homes. Some of you are empty-nesters. There are those of you who are married but do not have children. There are those who are divorced, those who are widowed. Many of you are single women. Some of you have college degrees; some of you do not. There are those who can afford the latest fashions and those who are lucky to have one appropriate Sunday outfit. Such differences are almost endless. Do these differences tempt us to judge one another?

Mother Teresa, a Catholic nun who worked among the poor in India most of her life, spoke this profound truth: “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” The Savior has admonished, “This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.” I ask: Can we love one another, as the Savior has commanded, if we judge each other? And I answer—with Mother Teresa—“No; we cannot” (General Relief Society Meeting, September 25, 2010).

AND

Courage to Refrain From Judging

May I speak first about the courage to refrain from judging others. Oh, you may ask, “Does this really take courage?” And I would reply that I believe there are many times when refraining from judgment—or gossip or criticism, which are certainly akin to judgment—takes an act of courage.

Unfortunately, there are those who feel it necessary to criticize and to belittle others. You have, no doubt, been with such people, as you will be in the future. My dear young friends, we are not left to wonder what our behavior should be in such situations. In the Sermon on the Mount, the Savior declared, “Judge not.” At a later time He admonished, “Cease to find fault one with another.” It will take real courage when you are surrounded by your peers and feeling the pressure to participate in such criticisms and judgments to refrain from joining in.

I would venture to say that there are young women around you who, because of your unkind comments and criticism, are often left out. It seems to be the pattern, particularly at this time in your lives, to avoid or to be unkind to those who might be judged different, those who don’t fit the mold of what we or others think they should be.

The Savior said:

“A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another. …

“By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.”

Thomas S. Monson, “May You Have Courage,” Liahona, May 2009, 123–27

AND

Patience With Young People

A proper perspective of our young men is absolutely essential for those called to serve them. They are young, pliable, eager, and filled with unlimited energy. Sometimes they make mistakes. I remember a meeting where we of the First Presidency and the Twelve were reviewing a youthful mistake made by a missionary. The tone was serious and rather critical, when Elder LeGrand Richards said, “Now, brethren, if the good Lord wanted to put a forty-year-old head on a nineteen-year-old body, He would have done so. But He didn’t. He placed a nineteen-year-old head on a nineteen-year-old body, and we should be a bit more understanding.” The mood of the group changed, the problem was solved, and we moved on with the meeting.

Thomas S. Monson, “‘Called to Serve’,” Ensign, Nov 1991, 46

Graduation :)

2011-06-05T06:39:00.001-07:00

On May 27th (yes I am a slacker) My oldest son graduated. Well actually he was done with all his classes last year, but he wasn't finished early enough to walk. Arizona Families For Home Education AKA AFHE, puts on an amazing homeschool graduation. There were 150 kids, and about 2500 spectators. The ceremony was beautiful, and included a great slide show of baby and senior pics. So now he moves onto the "real world" sniff sniff. So to the child that changed my mind about only ever wanted girls LOL, I am so proud of you and love you so very much.

His 2 big sisters :)

The 6 younger kids

Ruby Rebel

2011-05-26T08:00:00.002-07:00

I have spent a lot of time reading about the Proverbs 31 women. She is amazing! She works hard, is never idle. She is great with a budget. Is kind and loving to her family, and with her words. She is a great example of who I want to be all the time.

I have also spent time reading others blogs who strive to be like her. I love the blog post at http://www.generationcedar.com/main/2009/04/vurtuous-wife-ruby-rebel.html
She talks about being a "ruby rebel" The rebel part being that in todays society, wanting to be more proverbs 31 women is being a rebel. A rebel against anything society is trying to "teach" us.

I used to be on that side of the fence. I lived in a world of lies, and pain. Yet it was almost like I didnt know it until I found Jesus Christ. Now instead of striving to be Hollywoods version of a woman, I strive to live the example set forth by amazing women before me. Eve, Sarah, Rebecca, etc.

Instead of being driven by money, power, and "recreation" I am driven by God. By being a good wife and Mother, by being a "Ruby Rebel"

~

Every life has a story

2011-05-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

Someone sent this to me, and I had to share it. It has such a beautiful a message, but the weird thing is , is that it seems to be a Chick Fil A commercial. I wish every commercial had such a great meaning.

One Flaw In Women....

2011-05-23T16:43:00.000-07:00

Things have been pretty rough here lately. Being the Mom of a special needs child is hard. Make that 5 kids with special needs, and a husband with Aspergers Syndrome and life just kinda plain sucks sometimes. I am processing things in my head and my heart right now, but will post about our trials soon. People ask me why I share so much of my personal life on here. I think its because sometimes I feel very alone, and when I come across another blog or a story of someone struggling like me, it makes me feel a little better to know I am not the only one. So I share in hoping maybe I can make one less person feel less alone in this world.

One Flaw In Women

Author Unknown

By the time the Lord made woman,

He was into his sixth day of working overtime.

An angel appeared and said,

"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?

She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,

have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable

and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,

have a lap that can hold four children at one time,

have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart

-and she will do everything

with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements.

"Only two hands!? No way!

And that's just on the standard model?

That's too much work for one day.

Wait until tomorrow to finish."

But I won't," the Lord protested.

"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.

She already heals herself when she is sick

AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.

"But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed,

"but I have also made her tough.

You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied,

"Not only will she be able to think,

she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something,

and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.

"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.

I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak,"

the Lord corrected,

"that's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,

her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,

her loneliness, her grief and her pride."

The angel was impressed.

"You are a genius, Lord.

You thought of everything!

Woman is truly amazing."

And she is!

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness,

love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

However, If There Is One Flaw In Women,

It Is That They Forget Their Worth.

Who likes FREE stuff?!

2011-05-21T11:31:00.002-07:00

I love to shop online. A LOT :) Recently I have come across some really great items that I would love to share with my readers. (Clothing, Books, Cleaning Supplies, Candles and much more!) So... heres the deal. Once I hit 100 followers I will start sharing what I have bought and what you could have the chance to win during my "Giveaway Days".

Thank you :)

2011-05-20T10:23:00.001-07:00

To everyone that has voted for me so far :) You can vote every 24 hours, so if want you can vote again.

Click here to vote :)

~

Old Mother Hubbard

2011-05-19T14:07:00.000-07:00

Every morning I recieve an email in my inbox from Alpha Omega Publications titled "Daily Focus" It is for homeschool familes but the message most always speaks to anyone. A few years ago there was a 2 part message. It spoke volumes to me and reminded me that Heavenly Father is always faithful. ( I keep these emails in a folder on my computer so I can re read them when I am feeling down) A couple of years ago my husband lost a job making 3 times what he does now, but I look at the positive that his new job is stress free, and for the local food bank so he is also helping others. We do not get food stamp or wic, and one of the kids always needs shoes, money for an activity, or something needs replaced. But no matter how it looks on paper , every month we manage to get by. One day a few years ago a dear sister from church called me and asked if she could drop something by. This is a woman who has brought me clothing ,and household items in the past so I didnt think anything odd about it. ( As a matter of fact a mirror that hangs in my bedroom that I just adore came from her) I asked if I could come by there instead as I was needing 5 minutes of quite :) I left the teens in charge and went over. When I arrived we started talking about things, and then she said " Oh let me give you this 1st" She reached into her pocket and pulled out a hundred dollar bill. She let me know she had just recieved her stimulus check for $300 and gave $100 to her brother, $100 to me and $100 for herself. I started to cry, and thanked her. I couldnt find the words to tell her that my husband was almost out of gas in his car, we had no milk, payday was a week away, and we had $4.00 to our name. Her kindness allowed my husband to get to work, and provide my children with milk. I know if you ask her she would tell you "it was nothing" but it meant so much to us.........

Here is the story from my email, I thought I would share :)

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you" (Matthew 6:33).

I felt like Old Mother Hubbard as I went to the kitchen cupboards that morning. I don't know why I even bothered to look. I knew there was nothing in them to make a meal for my four young children. The situation looked rather bleak for a cook who could make a meal out of just flour, eggs, and milk, but today I didn't even have those ingredients. I looked out the window at the winter snow that covered my garden-no vegetables to be found there. What was I going to do?

My husband was on a short-term mission in Africa, and I was all alone, homeschooling our children in the middle of winter. I had no money, no food, and no way to even get out from the blizzard that had blocked our long driveway to our country home. I began to think about how we had prayed and asked the Lord for opportunities to serve Him in missions. God had assured us through His Word that He would keep His promises to take care of us-but now I had four pairs of hungry eyes wondering what their mother was going to do.

I don't know what came over me that morning. I opened every cupboard door and the refrigerator. I sat the children down in the middle of the kitchen, and we began to pray. I almost shouted at God when I spoke and reminded Him that He had promised to take care of us. Right now we had nothing-nothing to eat, no one to help, and no escape. Just the night before I had read in Psalm 37:25, "I have been young, and now am old; yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken nor his seed begging bread." I prayed that God would keep His promises, but things didn't look too good.
"And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear" (Isaiah 65:24).

When we were done praying, my children and I got up and started our day. Not even thirty minutes had passed when I heard a pick-up truck coming up our driveway. Unbelievably, our pastor from a town 15 miles away walked up to the door and handed me an envelope. The pastor said someone at church had given the envelope to him on Sunday, but he didn't know what was in it. He just "happened to be going" to the town near our home and had decided to drop off the envelope. Then, just that quickly, he was gone.

I stood there with the envelope in my hand and opened it. The hundred dollar bill inside may as well have been a thousand dollars to me. I knew the money was God's answer to our prayers. I quickly bundled all the children in their coats and drove to town, following the path our pastor's truck had made in our driveway. God was going to fill up all those empty cupboards!

I never knew who our benefactor was, but I did learn a valuable lesson I have never forgotten. God is able to show Himself the mightiest when we are the weakest. "But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him" (1 Corinthians 2:9).

~

Circle of Moms

2011-05-18T20:28:00.002-07:00

Is having a contest. I would love it, and be forever grateful if you would vote for me :)

~

To the child that changed everything....

2011-05-14T16:13:00.001-07:00

I know about being a Mom.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY COREY!!!

Corey was born 10 years ago today. White blond hair, bright blue eyes ( from parents with dark brown hair, and brown eyes LOL). He came screaming into this world, and continued to do so until he was about 4 years old. You see, Corey has autism. He was dx at 22 months. He said his 1st word, well words right before his 4th birthday. I will never forget it, and typing it now, still brings tears to my eyes. It was the day before Easter and we were having new carpet put in. All the furniture was in the driveway, and Corey loved to be rocked. Having such a disruption at our home was REALLY hard on him. So I sat with him in the rocking chair in the yard and sang to him. When I started singing "twinkle twinkle" he started to sing along, and sang the whole song with me. I wanted to shout from the rooftops, but I sat there and kept singing softly as tears ran down my face. Oh how far we have come from that day. Corey has progressed amazing amounts. He has friends, goes to cub scouts alone, and will talk your ear off about any of his favorite subjects. At Church if you cant find him, he will be sitting in the Chapel alone where the boys bless the sacrament, practicing the prayer to himself so he can be ready when he turns 16 :) We have been so very blessed by so many therapist, and Doctors that have helped all of us along this journey.

Having a special needs child changes you. I had 4 other kids before Corey. I was the Mom who looked at other parents with screaming kids at the store and thought "What are you doing so wrong that your kid is such a brat" Heavenly Father must have known how much humbling I needed and sent me Corey. He is the child that not only humbled me, but taught me to see the amazing miracles in the smallest of things. There are so many things I will never take for granted anymore.

I am so blessed to be his Mom and to watch such a sweet amazing spirit grow up. Thank you Lord for your blessings and Happy Birthday Son.......

~

Breaking up is hard to do :P

2011-05-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

So I absolutely amazed at the amount of emails I received from people asking me if they had done something, and / or if I was mad at them. Just because I "de friended" them on Facebook.

It has been almost 4 days since I made my decision to just keep my facebook open for out of town family and friends. Honestly...... I wish I would have done it a long time ago. I went to an activity at Church last night, and I loved looking around the room, and not knowing what everyone had for lunch. And it was nice to ask a friend "So what have the kids been up to?" and really have no idea what the answer is!

Technology is great in some aspects. But I think it is removing the human side of things. For example, To find out a friend is suffering in some way, isn't is nicer to take a few minutes to call, or better just drive over and give them a hug, and maybe some cookies, and tell them face to face, "I am here for you". I just don't think a FB wall message of "I am so sorry" has the same feeling behind it.

I have spent wonderful moments this week outside in my garden with my children and watching them play in the yard, WITHOUT my laptop on my lap!

I have no idea what my friends down the street are making for dinner, or what their favorite quote of the day is, and I think that is just fine :)

So her is my $.02. If your house is a mess, if your toddler knows about farmville, if your husband is becoming more distant because he is being ignored for Facebook. Then guess what...... Its time to take your life back, and put your family back 1st in your priority.

~

It's time to say Goodbye to.....

2011-05-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

my Facebook account. Well not totally. I am keeping it but only for out of state family members and friends. I think it is a great tool to stay in touch with them. After a yummy dinner of sushi with awesome friends Friday night, I realized how much time is wasted on there for me. And not that I don't love all of my Facebook friends, but honestly I am taking time away from what truly matters most to me, to follow their daily events.

What truly matters most

Its not just Facebook, I have went through my lists of favorite blogs and dwindled them down to almost nothing. If it is not going to help me in my journey as a wife and mother, then it needed to go. I was shocked and saddened how much negativity I realized I had saved in my "favorites" blogs and message boards of people who never actually say anything nice about anything. So those all had to go! If it doesn't lift me up , then it is gone.
I am working on making some major changes for myself and my family, and this is my 1st step. So goodbye former Facebook friends, we will just have to keep in touch in person like the old days :)

~

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T08:02:00.001-07:00

Empty Linen

BY EMILY HARRIS

The linen which once held Him is empty.
It lies there,
Fresh and white and clean.
The door stands opened.
The stone is rolled away,
And I can almost hear the angels singing His praises.
Linen cannot hold Him.
Stone cannot hold Him.
The words echo through the empty limestone chamber,
“He is not here.”
The linen which once held Him is now empty.
It lies there,
Fresh and white and clean
And oh, hallelujah, it is empty.

H.O.M.E

2011-04-22T07:27:00.000-07:00

Honoring

Our

Men

Eternally

I was reading one of my favorite BLOG . And saw this post. I fell in love with it, and agree 100% with it. So I thought I would add the button to my blog, and re post :)

H.O.M.E. seeks to help promote the idea that it is crucial to our families and communities that women treat their husbands, fathers and boys with dignity, love, honor and respect.

Big, little, small or grown we love our men!

Take the H.O.M.E. pledge! H.O.M.E. women understand that....

- strong, honest, faithful male leadership is a crucial aspect to a healthy, happy family.

- an honored man behaves honorably.

- reverse sexism, i.e. jokes and sneers at the expense of men, is not acceptable.

- men are the natural leaders of their families.

- a mother's blessing and challenge is to raise boys to be hard working, responsible, loving, virtuous, leaders.

- men and women are of equal worth and value however we were created for different purposes.

- healthy marriages should be supported by the whole community. H.O.M.E. women do not promote divorce.

- wives should look toward their husbands good traits, admire him openly and never speak ill of him in public..

- women shouldn't have to do it all! Children and families function best when mom is home with the children not burning the midnight oil for a corporation.

- good men work hard and are faithful, kind and loving to their families.

- honorable men deserve our respect.

Disclaimer: Please do not misunderstand H.O.M.E.'s message. We seek the promotion of healthy, loving partnerships. If your husband is honestly abusive to you, please do not stay in a dangerous situation. Please seek help immediately by contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

Felted Easter Eggs

2011-04-20T15:22:00.000-07:00

A lot has been going on and I will post about that later,but right now I want to show off some of the cute felted wool Easter eggs we made this week. Super easy, super fun and super cute!

So far, So SHOCKED!

2011-04-11T07:30:00.003-07:00

(Wishing I had cute trash bags! LOL)

So in my last post I talked about how I wanted to get rid of 30 bags of "stuff" from my house. Either by throwing it away (if its trash), or donating it (if it's useful). Now our home is not huge by any means. It is 1900 sf. We have 5 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, kitchen/dining room, family room, and a school room.

I started in the furthest bedroom which is shared by 3 kids. Ages 11,9, and 5. I removed 4 full size kitchen trash bags of either paper junk, or donation stuff. This weekend I started tackling our bedroom. Our bedroom is for some reason the "catch all" for everything! It drives me super crazy, and I am over it. I removed 6 of the black lawn and garden bags of either paper junk, or donation stuff. I still have 1/4 of the room to do!!!! I have no idea where all the stuff came from, or why I own it. But I do know it is out of here!

It feels so good to get stuff out. I thought it would be way more tragic for me. The only tragedy is that I kept all this stuff around for so long!

So 1 week down and 10 bags OUT OF HERE!!!

~

30 bags in 30 days!

2011-04-04T07:55:00.001-07:00

(Louis Vuitton trash bag not needed to participate LOL)

So "stuff" has taken over my life. I HATE it! Words cant express how tired I am of the clutter. It drains my energy, my spirit, my mind. It is time to go! Last night I found THIS super great blog and she started doing a 40 bags in 40 days challenge for Lent. Since I missed that, and it is the beginning of April, I thought I would challenge myself to 30 bags in 30 days. I will be posting pics of my progress to keep my self accountable :) Anyone care to join me? C'mon don't be afraid, you know you have stuff you want to get rid of!

~